


At Least I Have You In My Head

by Holtzmann2040



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, I'm Bad At Summaries, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Pining, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 13:55:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 38,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11852973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holtzmann2040/pseuds/Holtzmann2040
Summary: Erin has been pining over Holtzmann from almost the day they met, but she's convinced she doesn't feel the same. But it's getting harder and harder to keep it to herself.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first attempt at fan fiction. Comments are appreciated. Please be gentle!!!

"ERIN!" Abby yells at me, almost causing me to jump out of my seat. My eyes snap away from the amazing view of a certain blonde engineer working and dancing in the lab.

"Oh, my god, Abby, you scared the crap out of me!"

"I've said your name like four times, Erin. You have got to tell Holtzmann how you feel about her. You were completely zoned out just then, staring at her. It's getting kind of creepy."

I look back across the room where I was staring. Holtzmann is leaned over her workbench with her yellow tinted goggles pulled over her eyes, soldering something to a new weapon she's almost finished. She's looks so beautiful...

"ERIN!" Abby yells again.

"Sorry! She's just so.... distracting."

"Erin, seriously, you need to tell her how you feel." Abby looks down at me, standing next to my desk where I was supposed to be working. Instead, I guess I was staring for who knows how long.

"I can't, Abby. If she doesn't feel the same way about me, it'll just make things awkward." I pick my pencil up and look at the blueprints Holtz gave me. She was wanting me to look it over and give her some pointers on her equations, but I keep getting distracted.

"You haven't even tried. How are you ever going to know?" She raises questioning eyebrows at me.

"I guess I won't. But at least right now I can come to work everyday and enjoy her flirting and teasing. Besides, I know she can pretty much get any girl she wants, and does so often. So why would she want someone like me?"

"What do you mean someone like you? What's wrong with you?"

"You know I'm not her type, Abby. I've seen some of the girls she's been with; tattoos, dark makeup, short skirts. The opposite of me."

"Erin, Holtz hasn't been serious with anyone since I've known her and quite possibly ever. She flirts with everyone, yeah, but she has only consistently flirted with you. And I've noticed that the amount of girls she's flirting with has continued to lessen since she met you."

I look across the room at her, head bopping to the beat of some 80's pop song on the radio, tinkering with her tools. It's amazing how someone can look so sexy doing the most mundane and normal things. Working, eating, even sleeping.

"I think she would've asked me out by now if she was interested. She's not shy about getting what she wants."

Abby rolls her eyes and scoffs. "Whatever you say, Erin. I actually came up here to see what you want for lunch. Patty and I are gonna run down to that little deli down the street."

"Oh. Um, just get me one of those Philly Cheese Steak sandwiches."

"Holtz!" Abby calls across the room at the engineer, who shuts off her blow torch and turns down the radio.

"Yeah?" She yells back.

"You know, you could go in there and ask instead of yelling," I mumble, chewing on the pink eraser on the end of my pencil.

"What do you want from the deli?" Abby shouts.

"Meatball sandwich!" The engineer answered.

"Okay!" Abby turns back around to face me and smirks. Holtzmann turns her music back up and continues where she left off. "We'll be back in a little while."

With that, she turns and goes downstairs to meet up with Patty. I look across the room again at Holtzmann and decide to go see what she's been working on.

When I get close to her workbench, she looks up from her soldering and smiles. "What's going on, hot stuff?" She asks, causing a shade of pink to spread across my cheeks.

"Oh, I was just wondering what you've been doing. You look like you've been working pretty hard over here." I sit down on the stool in front of her, leaning my head against my hands.

"Wellllllll, you see, I've actually just been putting some finishing touches on a new proton saber. Look, it looks just like a light saber from Star Wars!" She holds up her new toy and presses the button on the handle, causing the rest of the stick to turn dark purple. It looks a lot like a black light attached to a metal handle.

"What does it do, exactly?"

"Okay, so, basically, it's like a shock baton. When you press this button here," she points at the red button she pushed a moment ago to turn it on, "it sends a shock current through the rest of the saber. When you touch a ghost with it, it causes instant paralysis, giving us ample time to trap it. It's only harmful to ghosts. Well, basically. If you were to touch it, it would feel like touching a bug zapper."

She grabs the lit part of the weapon, obviously not expecting much pain; but as soon as she wraps her fingers around it, she yanks them back, grabbing her hand and cursing.

I rush around the bench and take hold of her hand, looking at the burns. The tips of her fingers are red and blisters have already started to form on her index and middle fingers. Her hand is trembling and sweat is forming on her forehead.

"It's not bad enough to warrant an emergency room trip, but that must have hurt, Holtz! You have to be more careful!" I scold.

"Guess I have some adjusting to do." She smirks and winks at me, sending another blush across my cheeks.

It's then that I realize I'm still holding Holtz's hand in mine and butterflies flood my body. My eyes wander the entirety of her face and I can't help but get caught in her deep, blue eyes. She raises her her right eyebrow and licks her bottom lip with a smirk. Jesus....

"See something you like there, Gilbert?"

I snap back to reality. "Yeah, I mean, um, no.... I.... I have to go help, Abby!"

"I didn't hear Ab-" She attempts but I run out the door as fast as possible, sprinting down the stairs. When I get to the first floor, luckily Abby and Patty have just come back from the deli.

"What's going on?" Abby asks nervously, taking our sandwiches out of the bag.

"Nothing! Did you happen to yell for me?" I ask, trying to make it sound legitimate.

"Um, no... why?" She raises her eyebrows, obviously confused.

"Oh. Well I just thought I heard you call for me." I stand awkwardly with my arms crossed and look back at the stairs, making sure Holtzmann didn't follow me.

"Nope." She sits down at the table and starts to eat her food. "Your sandwich is on the table."

"Okay... I'll just, you know, head back up and do some more work." I laugh nervously and grab my sandwich, creeping slowly to the stairs, hoping Abby will get the gist and ask me to join her, but she just continues eating.

"Erin!" She yells.

"Yeah, do you need help with something?" I ask, almost running back to the kitchen.

"Um, no, I thought maybe you'd take Holtzy's sandwich up to her."

"Oh. Yeah, of course."

I slowly make my way up the stairs, dreading going back to the lab. She's going to know I lied and I'm going to look like an idiot. But as I walk by, she's no longer at her workbench and I see the light from the bathroom in the corner of lab on, so I simply lay her sandwich on the table.

I take a seat back at my desk and take my sandwich out of the bag, eating and looking at the blueprints. Anything to keep from looking at her.

I hear the door open and Holtz pounces back to her bench, picking up her sandwich.

"Thanks, hotstuff!" She yells across the lab at me.

"No problem, Holtz." I answer, not looking up. I can hear the sandwich bag crunch and the rattle of tools being handled as she gets back to work.

From my desk, I have a perfect view of Holtzmann's worktable. I try to concentrate on the equation from earlier, twirling my pencil between my fingers and humming quietly, but my eyes keep drifting over to her. I don't know what it is about her that's so captivating. We're polar opposites; my work space is always neat and tidy, while hers is cluttered; I'm self conscious and unsure, she's confident and bold; she's effortlessly beautiful, while I feel like I have to spend an hour everyday doing my hair and makeup.

Ever since I walked into Abby and Holtzmann's lab at the Higgins Institute, I've been struck by her. We've spent more and more time together over the past year and half and I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that I might be falling for her, which terrifies me to no end.

So, what have I done with this newfound fact? Nothing. Unless you count creepily staring at her from across the room unbeknownst to her, daydreaming about what it would be like if she were to love me back, and wondering how amazing she must be in bed with such nimble fingers and capable hands. But Abby and Patty say that doesn't count. It's not that I'm afraid to try.... I'm just convinced she doesn't feel the same way. Abby brings up the point that she flirts with me all the time; which she definitely does. She takes any and every opportunity to see exactly how red she can make me and Abby CLAIMS that she only consistently flirts with me. That may be true, but she flirts with anyone. I'm just someone constant in her life that she finds amusing to tease. She's even flirted with Kevin, even though she made it blatantly obvious that she's a lesbian.

However, out of all us Holtzmann is the most popular in the public eye. Since saving New York and getting government funding, the Ghostbusters as a whole have become local celebrities. We get asked to do interviews, we've been on television many times, even paparazzi try to catch pictures of us. All of us have fans, but Holtzmann has the most and the majority of them are young lesbians and bisexuals with huge crushes and vividly explicit vocabularies. She gets phone numbers in the mail, pleas for dates or sex; theres even fan fiction involving her. Not that I've read any or anything like that. Maybe just a little...

She's never really paid too much attention to any of them, writing them off as lonely teenagers or fan girls. When she's approached in public she's always so sweet to them, it's adorable. She takes pictures with them, signs autographs, even kisses them on the cheeks sometimes. And don't even get me started about when little girls come up to her, telling her she's their hero. She'll do just about anything for kids. She'll be an amazing mother some day.

For someone so outgoing and confident, Holtz is a pretty private person. None of us really know much about her childhood or home life or even what she does when she's not with one of us. But one thing we do know is that she's very adept when it comes to women. Every once in a while, a picture or tabloid will pop up on the internet of her and some girl (usually hot, badass looking girls, you know, the opposite of me) making out or leaving a bar together. She usually brushes it off with a coy smirk, saying "a girl's got needs, ya know?" I'm not going to lie, every time I think of Holtz with someone else, it cuts me a little deeper. I know I can't blame her; a girl DOES have needs, I just prefer to take care of mine myself.

So, knowing that I'll never be the type of girl she wants to be with, I'm stuck staring at her from across the room like a weirdo. I've found out a lot about her by doing this, though. I know when she gets frustrated, she runs her fingers through her blonde hair, huffing loudly and closing her eyes. I know she hates using the bathroom; she'd rather dance around until she absolutely can't handle it anymore, dashing to the restroom just in the nick of time. The dimple in her right cheek is significantly more pronounced than her left when she smiles. Her socks never match. Like, ever. I've never seen a matching pair. I've made a mental note to mark a calendar if I ever see her socks mated. When she's excited, her dancing becomes particularly more sexual, involving much more pelvis; sometimes using me as a stripper pole to grind against. Not that I'm complaining, even though my face gets as red as a fire hydrant and my underwear becomes an uncomfortable mess. I know she has a tattoo of a wasp on her right pelvic bone and when she yawns or raises her arms I can sometimes get a glimpse; but when that happens, I also get a glimpse of her toned and muscular stomach that sends me reeling, causing me to blush uncontrollably. When she gets particularly happy or enthralled in a conversation, she HAS to touch you. It could be holding your hand, grabbing an arm, a hand on the back; she's even squeezed my thigh. Jillian Holtzmann knows no boundaries.

But most of all, I know she's one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Her blonde hair is always perfectly coiffed. Her blue eyes are mesmerizing and light up when she talks about her experiments. When she's serious or concerned, it feels like they could literally stare into the depths of your soul. Her lips are so naturally pink, it looks like she's always wearing lipstick, when I know she isn't. When she touches me it sends shockwaves through my entire body. She's oddly strong and muscular for such a petite build; probably from dumpster diving and lifting large metal instruments. Even her brain is beautiful, filled with some of the most intelligent logic I have ever been blessed to witness.

Most of all, though, I know I'll always just be where I am now. Sitting at my desk, daydreaming about being with her. It's honestly beginning to get a little old.


	2. Chapter 2

After a particularly ectoplasm filled bust, we head back to the firehouse. Abby drives the hearse while Patty sits shotgun, and I, of course, was slimed from head to toe, so I'm sitting in the back. Patty has a tarp laid down back there for anyone who gets slimed, mainly me, so it doesn't ruin the upholstery. Holtz is to my right, opting to sit with me so I don't have to be alone. Unfazed by the dripping slime that has pooled around me, she begins eating Pringles out of a can she stashed somewhere in the car.

"How do you ALWAYS have a can of Pringles nearby?" I ask.

She turns to me and smiles. "Never know when you need a little pick me up. Want one?" She takes one out of the can and offers it to me.

"I would if my hands weren't , you know, covered with slime."

"Open wiiiiide," she says, holding the chip directly in front of my mouth, waving it back and forth like an airplane.

I roll my eyes at her, but open my mouth and she places the chip in my mouth. I chew loudly, trying to drown out the inappropriate thoughts beginning to form from this kind of intimacy with the engineer. She feeds me a few more before we're finally back at HQ. Patty opens the rear doors and Holtz scrambles out first, taking my gooey hand and helping me out of the vehicle.

"Girl, that ghost got you good!" Patty says, laughing boisterously.

"Yeah, I'm definitely gonna have to figure out some kind of repellent. Or at least something to wash it off better," Holtz muses, opening the door to the station for me. She plays with a little bit of green slime that stuck to her fingers while helping me out of the hearse. She rubs it between her index finger and thumb, stretching it between them and finally wiping it on her jumpsuit.

All four of us walk inside, going upstairs to the set of lockers we had installed for spare clothes. Abby helps me out of my slimed jumpsuit, and takes it downstairs to the washer for me. I stand at my locker in the tank top and panties I usually wear underneath my jumpsuit.

When I grab my towel, I happen to look over at the other two ghostbusters. Patty is also in a tank top and panties, fumbling with a pair of sweatpants that are still cinched at the waist. I tell myself to avoid looking at Holtz, knowing she'll catch me gawking as she always does, but my eyes betray me and wander anyway. She's also removed her jumpsuit; her lower half covered by a pair of boxer shorts with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on them; her top half wearing only a tight, black sports bra. She's much more muscular than she looks; her petite frame and usually baggy clothes give nothing away. She's reaching for the top shelf of the lockers now, trying to grab the spare t-shirt she keeps there, and the muscles in her shoulders and stomach flex accordingly. She's tantalizingly close to having six pack abs. My eyes travel the length of her body and I subconsciously lick my lips. When I look back up, Holtzmann is looking at me with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. My face reddens and my cheeks feel like they've been set on fire. She winks next, so, logically, I turn around and basically run to the shower room, overwhelmed by both embarrassment and desire.

The showers in the firehouse are very similar to that of a locker room. The entrance door leads first to a small area with a bench, a towel rack, and a laundry hamper. A wall going just below my chest separates the showers, which really just consists of one large open space with several shower heads attached to the wall. It's really large enough for all four us to shower at the same time, but no one cares to see the other naked. Except for maybe Holtzmann, who "appreciates all female bodies and is unashamed of her own as well."

I take a seat on the bench and put my head in my hands. Jesus, get a hold of yourself, Erin. When have you ever acted like this because of someone? Never. You're acting like a horny teenager, which is a phase I was fortunate enough to skip somehow. Maybe because I was antisocial and focused heavily on my schoolwork. I sigh exasperatedly and stand up, realizing that I'm still covered from my neck to the top of my head in slime, and have now gotten it all over the bench. Lovely.

I take my clothes off and throw them in the hamper against the wall and walk to the shower. Before I step under the shower head, I use some baby powder and the "special slime removal" towel Holtz made to wipe off what I can. After realizing that ectoplasm actually MULTIPLIES with water, the engineer spent several days holed up in her lab trying to figure out an easier way to get it off. Thus, the slime removal towel. She's still working on a better name.

After I get what slime I can with the towel, I turn on the water and try to drown out all the thoughts racing through my head. I love showers and baths. It combines my two favorite things: cleanliness and water. When I've had an especially hard day, my favorite thing to do to relax is sit in the tub, reading and drinking wine. Cliche right? But it's one of the only things that's really helped me clear my head, especially lately.

I leave my head under the shower head for what feels like forever, the heat from the water numbing my mind and relaxing my body. All thoughts finally dissipate and I actually feel somewhat relaxed. No thoughts of love, or feelings, or desire, or Holtzmann. Just.... nothing. Blank. Perfection....

I stay in the shower for a while before I finally shut it off. I wring what water I can from my hair, then let it rest on my shoulders and walk out of the stall, looking over to the rack that's suppose to have clean towels. It doesn't. Awesome. Holtz did the last load of laundry, so it's hard telling where she put them all. I sigh loudly and walk to the door, cracking it just enough for me to yell out.

"Holtzmann!"

"What's up, buttercup?" She yells back. She must be back in her lab, which is the room next door. "Need some help washing your back? I'd be happy to oblige!"

"No thanks, Holtz, I got it! Where are all the towels?"

"Oh, shit! Hold on a minute!"

I hear her moving around somewhere, so I shut the door, assuming she'll knock when she has them. I walk back over to the stall that's still steaming from the hot water to keep from getting a chill, when I notice a crack in the tile of the floor and bend down to look at it. When did that get there? We should probably have that looked at.

Then, I hear the bathroom door burst open and Holtz's boots stomping in. I stand up instinctually, forgetting that I'm completely naked. Luckily, only the top half of my body is exposed, the bottom covered by the low wall separating the stall.

"HOLTZMANN! I'M NAKED!!!" I shriek, throwing my arms over my chest, trying to cover them as much as possible.

"I see that, hot stuff. I found a towel," she says nonchalantly, as if it's perfectly normal that she barges into the shower room while I'm completely naked. Red spreads the entire length of my body and she's just standing there, calm and confident. Holtz finally notices my embarrassment and a smile spreads across her face.

"Hey, Gilbert, calm down. We're both ladies, you don't have anything I haven't seen before. And you DEFINITELY don't have anything you need to hide. You have a nice set up there." She winks at me, causing an even deeper shade of red that I had no idea was possible to flood my face. Then she throws me the towel, which I let fall to the ground so I don't have to move my arms.

When she turns around to leave, I pick up the towel, hurriedly covering myself up with it. This was NOT how I pictured the first time Holtzmann seeing me naked would go.


	3. Chapter 3

I can't make direct eye contact with Holtz for the rest of the day, doing everything in my power to avoid her. I even leave early, telling everyone I'm exhausted as an excuse. When I get home, I take a shower and try to watch some television to help ease my anxiety. When that doesn't help, I go to bed and hope I can sleep off the embarrassment so I can have a normal day of work tomorrow and not have to spend it avoiding the person I actually want to be around most.

Laying in bed, trying to sleep, the image of Holtzmann standing inside the shower room, looking at me completely naked, will not go away. I toss and turn, trying my hardest to shake it out of my head; trying to convince myself that it wasn't a big deal, because she obviously wasn't fazed by it. If I can just fall asleep, I know I'll wake up feeling completely better about it.

\----

When I do wake up, however, I find this to not be the case. In fact, I feel even more embarrassed, which I didn't think was possible. I debate calling in, pretending to be sick or something, so that I don't I have to think about the current object of my affection walking in on me naked. But I know I can't; I promised Holtz I'd get that equation done as soon as possible. I could always work on it from home.... No! Erin Gilbert, you are a grown ass woman, stop being so immature and just go to work!

When I get to the firehouse, Abby and Patty are already there. Abby is sitting at her desk, thoroughly engrossed in whatever she's looking at, and Patty is sitting on the floor with a laptop and our case files, trying to organize them on the computer. She's been working on this for quite a while, hoping having it digitized will help with ease of access and keeping them backed up in case of a disaster.

"Hey, guys," I mumble, both women looking up at me.

"Well, it's about time you showed up," Abby says teasingly. "You left early and got here late, that's very uncharacteristic of you."

"Yeah, I was just really tired, you know. Busting ghosts and what not." I laugh nervously, trying my best to lie convincingly.

"Girl, I get it. No one wants to see me without my beauty rest," Patty says, looking back down at the paperwork.

"Well, Holtz already left to get lunch so you're gonna have to find a snack here or go get something yourself," Abby says, also going back to what she was doing.

"Alright. I'm just gonna head upstairs and work on some equations. Yell at me if you need me."

I walk upstairs, relieved at the revelation I won't have to walk by Holtz to get to my desk and can take a moment to prepare. I sit down and arrange all my pens and things accordingly, then pull out the blueprint of Holtz's new prototype and get to work. Soon, my mind is completely lost in the equations.

A little while later, my thoughts are disrupted by a brown sack being dropped in front of me on my desk. I look up and Holtz is smirking down at me, causing my heart to skip a few beats.

"I got you something from the sandwich shop. I think it's your favorite." She muses.

I open the sack smiling, and indeed she has gotten me my favorite sandwich; Philly Cheese Steak Melt. My heart swells knowing that she's paid enough attention to me to know my favorite sandwich order.

"Thank you, Holtzy. It's sweet of you to know my orders." I open the wrapper and look at the sandwich. "You even got extra cheese!"

"Only the best for you, Dr. Gilbert," she winks and I feel my face redden slightly. "May I pull up a seat and eat with you?" She asks.

"Of course," I answer calmly, but thoughts of yesterday are still running through my mind, sending waves of anxiety through my body.

She grabs the chair from her lab and pulls it to the front of my desk, taking a seat and grabbing her own sandwich out of the bag, and unwraps it. I roll the blueprint back up and set it aside, making sure we don't get any food on it. We eat in comfortable silence for a few minutes and I let my eyes wander carelessly to Holtzmann. Her fashion sense is so crazy, I'm pretty sure the only person who could pull it off would be her. But jeez, she definitely pulls it off. Today, she's wearing a light brown vest with a bright purple button up shirt, the top few buttons left popped, exposing just a little bit of her cleavage,(Not that I'm looking...) and dark green suspenders. Her pants are also dark green with black leather biker boots. I have no idea why, but she looks so ridiculously hot. Honestly, she looks hot in everything I've seen her wear.

"Listen, Gilbert," she starts, pulling me out of my trance. "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you yesterday, walking in on you and stuff. I, personally, don't mind if other people see me naked and I guess it didn't occur to me that you might feel differently. I know that's why you've been avoiding me. And I didn't do it in a sexual way or anything, if you're worried about that. I-"

"I wasn't worried about that." I interjected, maybe a little too quickly. I definitely don't want her to think I wouldn't accept sexual advances.

"Well, good." She chuckles lightly. "But I won't do it again. Cross my heart." She makes a show of crossing her heart and I laugh. She smiles with me and I can't help but to think again, for millionth time, how beautiful that smile is. "Unless you want me to, of course. I definitely wouldn't turn that down."

She winks and I reach out and smack her arm. "Don't ruin it, Holtzmann," I tell her, laughing.

She rubs her arm dramatically and scrunches up her face. "Ow, that hurt! If you hit like that normally, I'd love to see what you could do in the bedroom, hotstuff." She winks again and I shake my head, taking a bite of my sandwich to hide my red face. If only she knew how what talking like this did to me...


	4. Chapter 4

My plan this weekend is very simple. We've all agreed we need a weekend off; no firehouse, no busting, no working. And, most important of all, we're staying away from each other. If we hang out together, we're just gonna talk about work at some point, therefore defeating the purpose. Besides, we hang out all the time, we can take one weekend off from each other to dedicate strictly to ourselves.

I'm using this weekend to decide what I need to do about my feelings for Holtz. And what better way to figure out the truth than to get as drunk as possible.

So, when we all tell each other goodnight on Friday, I head straight to the liquor store closest to my apartment and buy a bottle of tequila, because I know that if I want to get drunk, that'll do the trick. I also pick up a pizza on the way home so I don't have to cook anything.

As soon as I get home, I change into my favorite pair of pajamas (fuzzy, black and white, with little UFO's and The X-Files logo) and put Dirty Dancing on the television, making myself comfortable on the couch. I pour myself a shot, then another, and another, and by the middle of the movie I've given up on the glass and start taking swigs from the bottle itself.

By the end of the movie, I'm so drunk, I'm afraid that if I were to stand up, I would fall flat on my face. My hope in drinking was to do one of the following: 1. Reason with myself that the feelings I have for Holtzmann are not going to just go away and I probably need to just see what would happen if I told her. 2. Convince myself that I don't actually have genuine feelings for Holtzmann and I might just need to get laid. Which hasn't happened in quite a while. Like, A WHILE.

However, I may have gone a little overboard with the alcohol, because now I'm struggling to make any coherent thoughts at all. Except.... I have to pee. I definitely have to pee. I stand up, but have to lean against the couch arm to keep myself upright. The room spins as I make my way to the hall and fall about halfway to my destination. Jeez, this is a disaster. I lay on the ground face down, debating on just sleeping here or getting up and making another attempt at the bathroom....

I wish Holtzmann was here. She would know what to do. She would cheer me on, tell me I could do it. Actually, she would probably just carry me there herself. Holtzmann....beautiful, beautiful Holtzmann. I need to tell her. I need help peeing. We gotta find that basset hound. I'll call her.

I take my phone out of my pajama pocket and look for her number in my contacts. The screen is spinning and blurry, and way too bright for my eyes. When I find her and hit send, I lay the phone on the ground next to my head, putting it on speaker. It rings once.... twice... three times. She's not gonna answer, who am I kidding? She's probably with some girl. It's Friday night. If I was as hot as Holtzmann I'd be with some girl, that's for sure.

"Hello, Erin!" She answers, chipper as ever.

I smile broadly at the sound of her voice. "Oh, Holtzy, how are you doing this lovely night?" I slur. 

"Uh, I'm doing alright, hot stuff. How about yourself?" I can hear amusement in her voice.

"Oh I'm good. I like it when you call me hot stuff." I giggle loudly, causing Holtzmann to also chuckle.

"Dr. Gilbert, have you been drinking?"

"I have, Dr. Holtzmann. And now I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Holtzmann gets suddenly serious. "Erin, are you okay? Are you hurt?"

"Not yet! Since when do you call me Erin? I said I like hot stuff," I slur.

"I'm coming over."

The phone suddenly hangs up and I frown. She hung up on me. How rude. The next thing I know I'm passed out face down in the carpet. The texture feels good on my face....

\------

I don't know how much time has passed, but I wake up groggily to Holtzmann flipping me over and pulling me up into a sitting position by my arms.

"Erin, are you okay? Did you hurt anything?" She holds my face in her hands and looks at me scrutinizingly.

"No. I have to pee. Really bad," I mumble.

"Okay, I'll help you get to the bathroom, but your gonna have to pee on your own," she says, flashing that gorgeous grin.

"That's a deal, Lucille." I give her a thumbs up and she laughs, shaking her head.

She grabs me by the arm to pull me up and I throw it around her shoulders. For a moment, it feels like we're dancing and my head swims at the thought. Or is it swimming from the alcohol? Holtz turns me around slowly and walks me to the bathroom down the hall. She helps me sit down on the toilet and smiles again. I can feel my face turning red. Oh well, I can blame it on the alcohol.

"You're pajamas are cute," she says, winking in the process.

"Thanks," I reply giddily.

"Well, I'm gonna go stand outside the door now so you can, you know, relieve your bladder without me trying catch looks at you," she says, slowly walking toward the door.

"I don't care if you see me," I giggle, wanting this to sound more flirtatious than it actually did.

She smirks and shakes her head. "You would tomorrow. Yell at me when you're done."

When I'm done, I almost feel like I'm even more drunk, if that's even possible. I call for Holtz and she saunters back in the bathroom. My head spins and it looks like she's shaking her head violently, but I know she's not.

"Holtz, I can't make it to the bed. I'm just gonna sleep here." I lay my arm on the wall next to me and prop my head on it, using it like a pillow.

"Oh no, I'm gonna get you bed."

With that she swoops me up she in her arms bridal style and carries me to my bedroom. This is ridiculous, she shouldn't be able to carry me. I'm a solid two or three inches taller than her. But honestly, I enjoy it more than I should. I nuzzle my head against her, wrapping my arms around her neck and it feels like she holds me closer, but maybe that's just my drunken imagination. She smells intoxicating; like expensive cologne and apple shampoo.

My ride ends too quickly when she gingerly lowers me onto my bed. She rolls back the comforter and I climb underneath it. When she pulls it back up, she tucks me in like a little kid at bedtime, patting the blanket around my sides comfortably. I take Holtzmann's face in my hands and her eyes widen in shock.

"Jillian," I say in the most serious tone I can muster whilst this drunk.

For the first time ever since I've met Holtzmann, her face turns a deep shade of red and she bites her bottom lip. It occurs to me now that this is the first time I've ever called her by her first name. 

"Y-yes, Gilbert?"

"You look beautiful tonight." I smile at her and suddenly, I'm kissing her. Her lips are softer than anyone I've ever kissed. It's amazing, almost perfect, except for the fact that she's not kissing me back. Her lips have formed a thin line and I open my eyes to see that hers are wide with shock.

She pulls away abruptly and we stare at each other blankly for a few moments. Then Holtzmann is backing up toward the door slowly. "Well, um, goodnight!" She practically runs out of the apartment and I hear the door slam shut behind her.

I throw my head against my bed pillow. Now I've royally messed this up. Real nice.


	5. Chapter 5

Awkward doesn't even begin to describe how I feel that Monday. I arrive early, hoping that Holtzmann would be there before anyone else, like usual, so that I could apologize for my behavior the other night, but, alas, she's chosen today to be on time. I really hope it's not because of me.

I make a cup of coffee and take a seat at the kitchen table. I take a sip, staring blankly at the wall in front of me in an attempt to prepare for the day. I set my cup down and cradle my head in my hands. Jesus, Erin, you really fucked this up. I rub my temples, trying to massage away the blurry images of Friday night.

"You ok, baby?" Patty says from behind me.

I jump, not realizing anyone had come in yet. Abby and Patty are standing in the doorway of the kitchen, holding bags of groceries.

"Umm yeah... yeah, I'm fine," I say, trying to hide the tears that have started streaming down my cheeks and the quiver in my voice.

Apparently they can see right me through me, though. Both ladies put down the bags they had been carrying and rush to my side. When Abby pulls me in for a hug, I cry hard; harder than I have in a long time. Patty rubs my back and hair from behind while I nuzzle my face into the crook of Abby's neck.

"Erin, what happened?"

I try tell them what happened on Friday night, surprised they can actually comprehend what I'm saying through the intensity of my sobs.

"Are you sure you didn't just read her wrong? You know Holtz isn't very good with feelings and all that." Patty asks.

"No, she made it pretty clear she wasn't interested in me like that." I pull away from Abby and rub my eyes with the sides of my hands to dry them. "And now it's gonna be awkward between us and it's all my fault."

Abby rubs underneath my eyes to wipe away the smudged mascara and eyeliner. "It's not your fault, Erin. She flirts with you, ALL THE TIME. I mean, what did she expect?"

"I know what we need to do to get you outta this funk," Patty says, massaging my shoulders.

"What's that?" I ask.

"We need to go out! Like this weekend! You need to dance with some guys, or girls; we need to drink and laugh and just have a good time!"

"I don't know, Patty, drinking is what got me in this mess in the first place and you want me to drink some more?"

"Patty's right, Erin. You need to go out and drink with US! Drinking alone is what got you into this mess."

"But what about, Holtz? I don't want to be drunk around her again and you can't not invite her." I whine.

"Oh, we'll invite her," Patty says smirking. "But we're gonna find you someone to make her jealous."

"I don't want to make her jealous."

"Then we find you someone to move on with! Come on, Er, please!" Patty throws some puppy eyes at me and I roll my eyes. When I look at Abby she's doing the same. I put my head in my hands and grumble. Abby starts to make whining noises and I throw my hands in the air in defeat.

"Fine," I say. "But if I want to go home, you guys have to let me! No begging me to stay or any other crap."

"Deal!" Abby extends her hand to me and I shake it.

Just then, we hear the front door open and slam shut again, and loud boots clunking down the hall. Holtzmann pops her head around the corner of the kitchen smiles.

"Good morning, ladies!" She steps fully into the room and drops a bag down on the table. "I got some stuff from the coffee shop down the street."

Does she even remember Friday night? She's acting as if nothing happened. Or maybe she's just acting like this in front of everyone and it'll be awkward when we're alone together. I can't help but feel hurt that she could shake something like that off so easily. Maybe I'm just overreacting and she doesn't think it's that big a deal.

She puts her hand in the bag and starts pulling out its contents. "Raspberry Bismarck for Abby, blueberry muffin for Patty, bear claw for moi, and, last but definitely not least, an apple scone for Erin." She presents my scone to me like a present to a queen, bowing in the process. When I take it from her, she winks and a blush spreads across my cheeks. I can't help but smirk and I happen to look over at Abby, who is also smiling with an eyebrow raised.

We all mutter thank you while eating and Holtz takes a seat beside me, taking a bite of her own treat. "So what were you guys talking about?" She asks with a mouthful of bear claw.

"We were just saying we all need to go out this weekend," Patty explains. "You in?"

"Hell yes! That sounds awesome! Are we drinking? Please tell me we're drinking," Holtz basically begs.

"Well, I don't know about y'all, but I sure as hell am." Abby says between bites.

"It's settled then!" Patty exclaims.

\------

A few hours later, I look up from my desk after focusing on the same equation for what feels like forever, feeling as if I'd just woken up, and notice that Holtz is no longer in the lab. All day she's acted as if nothing had happened between us, like I didn't kiss her and tell her I thought she was beautiful. Even though it hasn't seemed to faze her, I still feel like I need to apologize. She obviously doesn't have the same feelings towards me as I do towards her and it was pretty apparent that I freaked her out.

I walk downstairs and Abby and Patty are sitting at their desks, deep in thought.

"Have you guys seen Holtzmann?"

"She said something about the Ecto-1 needing an oil change and tune up, so she's probably in the garage," Abby says, not looking up from her computer screen.

I walk through the kitchen and open the door that leads to the garage. Metallica is blaring through the room as I step inside tentatively. The hood of the hearse is open and tools are spread out all over the worktable. I look around the room, trying to find her. Finally, I see a pair of black boots poking out from underneath the car and I walk towards them.

"Holtz?" I say, too quietly, I guess, because she still doesn't acknowledge me. "Holtzy!"

She slides out from underneath and smiles up at me from the ground where she's laying. "Hey, hotstuff!" She jumps to her feet and grabs a rag that's hanging on the bumper, wiping her greasy hands. "What brings you to the garage?" She asks, smirking.

I try to answer, but my words get caught in my throat at the sight of her. Her coveralls are loose and dangling at the waist. She's wearing a dark grey tank top that's covered in grease stains and sweat. She's definitely not wearing a bra; you may not be able to see anything through it, but the outline doesn't leave much to the imagination. Her face is red and sweaty, with black smudges down her cheek and forehead. I can almost feel myself drooling...

"Gilbert?" I snap back to reality at the sound of my name and Holtz waving her hand in front of my face. "You alright there?"

My face reddens immediately when I realize I've been caught staring so blatantly. Again.

"Um... yeah. I just, wanted to say that I'm sorry. For Friday night. I.... was drinking, obviously, and I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I hope you don't feel awkward or anything around me, because that's the last thing I want."

She smiles and cocks her head to the side. "Of course I don't feel awkward, Gilbert. I know you were drunk and I know how some people are when they drink. It wouldn't be the first time a pretty girl kissed me whilst drinking." She winks and I roll my eyes at her and smile.

"Well I just wanted to make sure we were okay."

"We're just peachy. So don't worry about it."

"Okay. I'll let you get back to.... whatever you were doing."

She nods and I leave the garage feeling both relieved and saddened. Relieved that Holtz isn't mad or upset by my actions, but sad that she was so indifferent about it. I guess I'll just have to settle for pining from afar. How's that song go? At least I can have you in my head.


	6. Chapter 6

I am not excited about going out tonight. All week long I've been dreading this night, knowing Abby, Patty and Holtz are expecting me to drink. I'm terrified I'm going to try something with Holtz again. She was obviously understanding the first time it happened, but what would she do if it happened a second time?

"What's going on in that head, baby?" Patty asks, applying eyeliner next to me. We decided to take turns getting ready as pairs so that the bathroom wouldn't be so crowded. Abby and Holtz have been ready for 45 minutes already.

"I'm just nervous." I curl my hair and look in the mirror, thankful I don't have to make eye contact.

"What are you nervous about? That you're gonna get drunk and hit on Holtzy again and she'll to reject you?" Patty's ability to read people is truly astounding sometimes.

"Is it that obvious?" I put the curler down and pick up my lipstick, applying it generously.

"No. I can just tell. The goal tonight, Erin, is just to have fun. To let loose!" Patty twirls around and gently bumps her hip with mine. "Besides, I bet someone's gonna keep you occupied, you look pretty damn hot in that dress."

"Thanks, Patty."

I smile half heartedly at her while my mind remembers how gorgeous Holtzmann looked. I couldn't keep my eyes off her when she stepped out of that bathroom. She was wearing black slacks that fit her perfectly and accentuated her amazing thighs and ass; a white button up shirt with a black blazer; black Doc Martens; and a bright red tie to top it off.

Inspired to look even half as good as Holtzmann (mostly to see if I could get a rise out of her), I put on my tightest black, strapless dress. It's very simple, but it's pretty lowcut and I basically have to squeeze into it. Once I had it on, I seriously considered changing because I swear you can make out every outline and dimple my body has. But Patty convinced me to wear it. She said it's the hottest outfit she's ever seen me wear.

"Ready?" Patty asks.

"I guess." I huff.

Patty exits the bathroom first, and I follow behind closely as we make our way downstairs. When Patty steps to the side, effectively forcing me out of hiding, it looks as if Holtz's eyes widen in shock for just a second. It's gone almost as soon as I notice it, though, and I wonder if maybe I just imagined it.

"You guys look amazing!" Abby exclaims.

Our Uber arrives and Abby and Patty make their way to the door. I grab my jacket, heading that way also, but Holtzmann gently grabs my shoulder and turns me around to face her.

"I just wanted you to know," she starts sheepishly, looking down at her feet with her hands shoved deep her trouser pockets. "That you look really beautiful tonight."

The unexpected compliment catches me by surprise and I grin from ear to ear. Her awkwardness about it only strengthens the sincerity of the words. "Thank you, Holtzmann. You look amazing, also."

She smiles and looks back up to meet my eyes."We better get going. Wouldn't want the others to think we're doing the nasty in here or something." She winks and I shake my head, rolling my eyes at her.

"In your dreams, Holtzmann."

"Every night, Gilbert."

If she only knew.

\-----

When we get inside the club, Abby and Patty take one side of the booth, forcing Holtzmann and I on the other. I'm pretty sure they did this on purpose, because the seats are small so no matter what amount of arranging we do, Holtz's thighs are constantly touching mine. I can literally feel every part of my skin she's touching and a slow, liquid heat forms low in my belly.

Patty buys the first round of drinks, going up to the crowded bar to get them. Abby and Holtz are talking, but I can't concentrate on anything they're saying because Holtzmann has her hand on her knee. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. But right now, my knee happens to be touching hers because of the close proximity; so, her ring finger is gently resting on my leg.

Luckily, Patty returns to the table and Holtz lifts her hand to help set the drinks on the table. Along with our drinks, however, Patty also hands us shots of what smells like Jagermeister. Abby lifts her eyebrow at her.

"What? We're supposed to be partying; what kind of party is it if we don't do shots!" Patty explains.

I slam my shot back and chase it with my Long Island Iced Tea, eager to loosen up as soon as possible.

"That's the spirit, Erin!" Patty cheers.

Everyone else drinks their shot simultaneously, hissing at the taste. Holtz slams her glass down, almost knocking our drinks over in the process.

An hour or so later, I'm finally able to relax. Everyone is laughing loudly and talking about anything and everything.

"We should go to a haunted house, guys!" I shout, slamming my hands on the table. I know I'm starting to get tipsy because I feel like I'm never talking loud enough. "I used to love those when I was little and it's been sooo long since I've been to one! Halloween is close!"

"No, I don't like those things. It feels like they're making fun of the paranormal field and I don't appreciate it." Abby yells back. She is also fairly drunk.

"I don't either! They scare the shit out of me! I got kicked out of one once because I punched one of the people dressed up. Never been to one since," Patty says, taking her fifth shot of the evening. She's the drunkest out of all of us, her words slurring almost unrecognizably. I pretend to pout and throw my elbows on the table, holding my head up and squishing my cheeks together like a fish.

"I'll go with you, Gilbert. I love going to those things!" Holtzmann pats my back and winks at me when I look at her. She's consumed the same amount of alcohol as I have but is still unbelievably sober.

"Thanks Holtzy." I smile goofily at her and she nods. It's not fair how attractive she is. Well, it's fair, but the fact that I can't have her isn't. "I'm gonna get us some more to drink." I offer.

It's when I stand up that I realize how tipsy I actually am. I'm not drunk, per se, but I'm definitely not sober. I walk to the bar and stumble a couple of times over people, but somehow make it in one piece.

"I need a Heineken, a Margarita, a screwdriver, and a Long Island Iced Tea please," I tell the bartender. He nods and starts making our drinks.

As I'm waiting, a tall guy with black hair and five o'clock shadow takes a seat beside me. He's wearing black pants and a white v-neck that accentuates his muscular build.

"Hey there. This seat taken?" He asks. I don't acknowledge him, sure there's another girl next to me he's talking to. He finally taps my shoulder and I make eye contact with him. "This seat taken?" He asks again, softer this time since he obviously has my attention.

"Oh, um, no. No it's not." Normally, I would be drooling over this guy if he was sitting next to me, let alone talking to me. But my mind has been preoccupied by some one else for quite some time now and I haven't really paid too much attention to anyone else in a romantic way.

"Good. I'm Grant." He extends his hand out to me.

"Erin." I say, reluctantly shaking his hand. I really wish this bartender would hurry up.

"It's nice to meet you, Erin. You look incredibly sexy tonight." He winks at me and I smile politely. He has nothing on Holtz's wink.

"Um, thanks. You look very... muscular." Really, Erin?

He chuckles and looks down at his shirt. "Well, thanks. I hope that's a good thing."

"It's always a good thing to be muscular. Unless you look like one of those extreme bodybuilder people. All the popping veins and stuff are a little much."

He laughs and brushes his hand against mine, which is lying on the bar. "I have to agree with that one. Aren't you one of those Ghostbusters?"

"Uh, yeah. The other three are over at that table there." I point across the room where Abby, Patty, and Holtzmann are sitting and notice they're staring at us. Abby and Patty smile and give me a thumbs up, but Holtz's face looks very.... bland. When she sees me pointing she looks down at the table and picks at the napkin underneath her glass.

"That's awesome! I appreciate everything you guys do. But now that I've met you, I may appreciate you the most." He winks again and I feel my face blush.

I laugh nervously. The bartender sets the drinks I ordered down and I pay him. "Um, thanks, Grant. I really appreciate your appreciation, but I'm not actually looking to, like, date or anything right now."

"Well, we don't have to date if you don't want to." He cocks his head to the side and flashes a shit-eating grin at his implication.

"Yeah, I'm not really interested in... THAT... either."

"Alright. I understand. But, in all seriousness, I really do admire your guys' work. And if you happen to change your mind, here's my number." He pulls a pen out of his pocket and writes his number down on a napkin, then hands it to me.

"Thank you, Grant." I politely take it from him and stash it in my bra (this dress isn't really pocket friendly). I struggle to take all four glasses in my hand, but Grant reaches over and takes two of them.

"Here, at least me help you get these to your table. I'd love to meet the others, anyway."

"Wow, um, okay. Thank you!"

He follows behind me as I make my way back to our table. When I get closer, I notice that Holtz isn't there anymore.

"Hey, this is Grant. He's a fan of ours and wanted to meet you guys. Grant, this is Abby and Patty." He extends his hand to them and they take it, telling him it's nice to meet him. "Where's Holtz?" I ask.

"Um, you don't wanna know." Abby says.

I narrow my eyes at her, about to ask again where she went, when Grant cuts in. "It was really nice to meet you guys. Keep up the good work out there!" He waves and walks back up to the bar. I take a seat in the now empty side of the booth.

"Where'd she go?" I ask again.

"Erin, dude, you gotta go back and talk to that guy! He's super sexy and he was totally into you!" Patty exclaims, obviously trying to change the subject.

"Seriously, guys."

Abby and Patty look at each other and frown. Then Abby points toward the other side of the club and I finally see Holtzmann. She's sitting at a rounded booth... with some red headed girl sitting on her lap. The girl has her arms draped over Holtz's shoulders while Holtz's tongue is shoved down her throat. Her hands are latched onto the other girl's thighs, almost touching the other woman's ass in front of everyone, her thumbs hooked into the belt loops of her jeans.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I scoff. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, cut in half, then stomped on for good measure.

"Holy shit, Erin, I've only heard you cuss like one other time," Patty says.

"Erin, listen, I think maybe she's just trying to make you jeal-" I cut Abby off. I can't bear to hear them try to make me feel better right now. I don't need their pity.

"I'm going to the bathroom." I abruptly stand up and rush to the restroom before anyone notices the tears pricking the corners of my eyes.

When I get into a stall, I slam the door shut and lock the latch harshly. I sit on the toilet, burying my head in hands, unable to keep from crying. I'm thankful Abby or Patty didn't follow me inside.

I can't believe I thought this was a good idea. Every ounce of hope I had that Holtzmann might have feelings for me have just been shattered. I know she sleeps with other women. As naturally sexual and flirtatious as she is, women can't help but flock to her, including me I guess. But she's never done anything like this in front of us. Or at least in front of me. Before, I could just push those thoughts aside; pretend like it doesn't happen. But having it so blatantly pointed out to me has burned the images in my brain and pushing them out is out of the question now.

A couple of girls come in the room, giggling loudly, and I wipe the tears off my cheeks. I'm going home. Thank god it's Friday; I can wallow in my own self pity all weekend and not have to face Holtz again until Monday. It'll give me some much needed alone time to decide how to handle the current situation.

I leave the bathroom and weave through the throng of people again, wanting to let Abby and Patty know I'm leaving. When I get close, I see Holtzmann is back at our table, sans redhead, and Abby is obviously having a serious discussion with her. I almost turn around to leave when I see my name cross Abby's lips. She better fucking not be doing what I think she is.

I stomp to the table and catch the end of her sentence, but the end is all I need to hear. "-and she has really deep feelings for you, like way beyond a friend level. She's just afraid that-"

"Are you fucking kidding me, Abby!?" I scream. Patty, Abby, and Holtz's eyes widen to a point that seems impossible and their mouths gape open. "I trusted you! How could you do that?! It wasn't YOUR place to tell her that! Ugh! I can't even fucking look at you right now!" I turn around and storm toward the doors, pushing through the crowd roughly, garnering some angry glances.

"Erin, wait!" Holtz jumps out of her seat and starts running after me, but the thickness of the crowd keeps her from closing much distance.

I throw the doors of the club open, pushing a bouncer aside in the process. I stop at the sidewalk and wave for a cab. I have to get the hell out of here. I can't handle this overload of emotions right now.

"Erin, wait, goddammit!" Holtz yells, running through the doors just as a cab pulls up to me. As I open the door, Holtz takes a hold of it, keeping me from shutting it. "You're not even going to let me say anything to you? You're just leaving?"

"You're goddamned right I am. Go back to that fucking redhead in the club!" I rip the door from her hands and slam it as I get in. The cab pulls away and I see Holtz throw her hands up and run her fingers through her hair in frustration. Even now, through this incredible ire I have at her and my friends, I wish those were my fingers running through her hair. And that pisses me off more than anything else.


	7. Chapter 7

All day Saturday I refuse to get out of bed. Abby, Patty, and Holtz have all called me over and over. I've resorted to just turning my phone off and I plan on keeping it that way the rest of the weekend. I sleep heavily through most of Saturday, only waking up long enough to eat something, then going back to bed.

On Sunday though, I take a shower and decide I need to get up, even if it's just to watch television on the couch. A Disney movie marathon sounds pretty good right now. Nothing distracts from heartache like Disney. Well, maybe it just replaces heartache with grief for dead parents and general misfortune.

Around noon, I decide to order Chinese food and order enough to last through two meals so I don't have to cook later. I'm a decent cook, but I hate doing it, so to say I'm not in the mood now would be a vast understatement. Besides, movie marathons are for snacks and take out.

I've watched a total of two movies before I call the restaurant and have started a third when the doorbell rings. As I open the door, I expect to see the takeout delivery person, but instead Holtzmann stands awkwardly outside.

"Hi," she says sheepishly.

"What do you want?" I ask with more menace than I intended.

She inhales deeply and I notice that her eyes are red and have bags under them. Has she been crying? I didn't think Holtz had the ability to cry. Or have any negative emotions at all actually.

She puts her hand against the door jamb, leaning in closer to me, and asks softly, "Can we please talk?"

I cross my arms against my chest, defensively. "I don't think there's anything we need to talk about. It looked like Abby did enough talking for all of us." I grab the door and start to shut it, but Holtz juts her foot out to stop it.

"Please, Erin. We work together. We have to straighten this out or else it'll blow up in our faces." She gives me those puppy dog eyes she knows I can't resist. "I'll buy you an ice cream cone." She winks and I shake my head in frustration, knowing I'm about to give in.

Rolling my eyes, I mumble a resigned fine and open the door, motioning for her to come in. She does and immediately takes her boots off. She sees me watching her, wondering why she felt the need to remove her shoes and seemingly reads my mind.

"Your carpet looks super clean. I didn't want to dirty it with my boots. Hey, is that The Nightmare Before Christmas!?" She runs to the living room and I follow her, my frustration growing every second.

She takes a seat on the couch and I sit beside her. "I thought we were talking, Holtz? I didn't invite you in for a movie night. Don't you have someone else willing to Netflix and Chill?"

"Netflix and Chill? Do you know what that is?" She asks, her voice tinged with humor.

"Yes, I do actually. And I'm sure you have line of women just waiting to 'Netflix and Chill' with you." I retort angrily, using air quotes to accentuate the phrase.

She huffs and rubs her cheeks. "Erin... I'm sorry, okay? I'm really shitty with discussing my FEELINGS or whatever. I DON'T have a line of women waiting to have sex with me."

"That's a load of crap, Holtzmann. Everywhere we go someone is hitting on you and you sure as hell flirt back. I've even seen women with boyfriends and HUSBANDS hit on you, for Christ's sake."

"I can't help what other people do or say to me! I'm naturally flirtatious and most of the time I don't even realize I'm doing it. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and tell them to get lost."

"Except me, right?"

Her jaw drops open as if I'd just said one of the most shocking things she's ever heard.

"Gilbert, I have NEVER told you to get lost. Do you know how long it's been since I've actually had sex?"

"No, and I don't really care to know either."

Her usual flamboyant voice has been replaced with a sad, somber tone and she casts her eyes to the ground.

"I haven't had sex with anyone since I met you."

Now it's my turn for my jaw to drop. "But all those girls who hit on you... And those pictures the paparazzi have taken of you leaving with them. There's no way."

"Well, yeah, I get hit on a lot, but that doesn't mean I take them all home. And, if we're being honest here, I've TRIED being with other people, but all I can picture is you, and that's not fair to them."

"Me?" I fail at hiding the shock from my voice. What is she talking about? Does she.... feel the same way that I do?

"Yes, you, Gilbert. I know I flirt with everyone but I flirt the hardest with you. I always thought you knew that but you just weren't interested. Then Abby told me how you felt and.... I knew I was going to have spell it out for you." She clears throats nervously. "So, Dr. Erin Gilbert, would you be interested in going on a date with me? Not like a friend date. A real date. Like with romance and feelings and possibly sexy things."

She winks, but I'm too distracted at my amazement at Holtzmann asking me out to be flustered by it. My head swims, trying to comprehend what's happening and hoping this is real and not some dream.

"Wait, wait, wait. I still don't understand. I KISSED you the other night, Holtz, and you basically ran out of the door. And now you're telling me you've had feelings for me this whole time? I don't get it."

Holtz looks down at her feet. Are her cheeks flushing? This is a whole new side of her that I've never seen; flustered, shy, timid even?

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I really am. I just thought.... I don't know. I thought you were just fucking with me. I've had a lot of girls get drunk and try to kiss me. But when they sober up they regret it. I didn't want that to happen with us. I literally can't bare the thought of you not being in my life." She rubs her neck with the palm of her hand, and looks back at me. "Even if we were just friends for the rest of our lives, I would be okay with that. As long as you were there."

My heart skips a beat and I feel like I'm going to cry. I can't believe this is happening. She has feelings for me too! My face is turning a bright pink but I don't even care. And then scenes from Friday night flash through my mind.

"What about that girl at the club?" My voice is soft. I feel afraid of her answer. Like she's going to tell me she has feelings for her, too. More so than me... she was beautiful.

She shakes her head back and forth and a smile creeps over her face. "Please, don't even worry about that girl. I can see exactly what you're thinking and I have ZERO feelings for her at all." She's obviously really good at reading my mind. So how did she not know my feelings for her?

"I'm sorry for that too," she continues. "I saw that guy flirting with you at the bar, and it felt like I was just hit by a Mack truck of emotion." She's talking with her hands now, obviously getting worked up. "All I could think about was trying to show you that you didn't mean anything to me and people were interested in me, too. Which was literally, the complete opposite of how I actually felt. And I'm sorry, Erin, I'm so sor-"

I cut her off by grabbing her face gently and pressing my lips against hers. She's shocked at first, and doesn't kiss back, but after a few seconds she reciprocates. It only lasts a moment or so, but it feels like fireworks are going off around us. I always hated that cliche, but maybe that's because I've never experienced anything like it before. Kissing Holtzmann feels.... like going home after an exhausting day. So right and so comforting and just, perfect.

When we pull apart, Holtz bites her bottom lip and a mile wide grin spreads across her face. "Soooo... does that mean you'll go on a date with me?"

I laugh and nod my head. "I'd love to."

The doorbell rings just then and I remember the Chinese food I ordered.

"Would you... would you want to stay for a while? I was going to watch some movies and I happened to order an ungodly amount of Chinese food." My voice cracks from the anxiety asking her.

"Are you watching A Nightmare Before Christmas?" She asks, wiggling her eyebrows up and down.

I laugh nervously. "Well, obviously."

"Then I'd love to!" She dramatically throws herself backwards against the back of the couch, throwing her feet onto the coffee table. With anyone else, I would be disturbed at this, but with Holtz, it's almost expected.

I answer the door and pay the delivery guy, then carry the Chinese food to the coffee table. I go to the kitchen to grab some forks for us to eat with. When I get back to the living room, Holtz has pulled the boxes put of the bag and opened them, ready to dig in.

"Come on, Eriiiiiin. I'm hungry!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming."

"Right now? I had no idea I had such an effect on you." She winks and I lightly punch her arm as my cheeks turn a bright red.

"Stop it, Holtzmann!" I feign seriousness but I can't keep a smile from spreading.

I start the movie and we eat while it plays. I try to pay attention to the movie, I really do, but Holtzmann is being absolutely adorable. She could probably quote the entire movie and definitely knows the words to every song. She sings quietly to herself, bobbing her head along.

When we finish eating we lean back against the couch and I grab a blanket from the end table to cover us up with. Holtz puts her arm over the back of the couch behind me and I unconsciously lean into her, resting my head in the crook of her arm. I panic when I realize and lift my head to look at her.

"Is this okay?" I ask.

She looks down at me and smiles. "It's more than okay, hotstuff." She winks again and I relax against her arm.

We continue watching the movie like this, Holtz still quoting lines and singing along. I look at up her several times and can't get over how adorable she is. I relish the closeness between us. It's even better now that I know she wants to be close to me too. That I wasn't just imagining the chemistry we had.

When the movie ends, I sit up and Holtz stretches her arms, groaning loudly.

"Well, I better head home. Gotta be well rested for work, ya know. Wouldn't want anything to blow up!" She wiggles her fingers in my face dramatically and I laugh.

"Okay, Holtz."

She heads to the door and bends over to put her boots back on, while I stand awkwardly next to her, secretly not wanting her to go.

"So, that's a definite yes to a date, then?" She asks, standing back up.

"It was a definite yes."

"And you're sure you want to do this? You're not drunk or high or anything are you?" Her face is suddenly serious again. "I don't want you to do anything you don't want to or aren't ready for."

Who knew Holtz was this sweet? "I promise you that I want to go on a date. I've wanted to for a really long time now." I lean in and kiss her lips again. A small whimper escapes her when I pull away. "So when's that date?"

"Are you free tomorrow night?" She bites her bottom lip and thoughts of taking that lip between my own invade my brain.

"Um, yes." I squeak. She raises an eyebrow and lets go of her lip. I clear my throat. "Yes, I'm free tomorrow night."

"Good." She kisses my cheek. "I'll see you in the morning, gorgeous." She winks and walks out of my apartment, closing the door behind her.

I lean against the wall to catch my bearings. My heart feels like it's going to beat out of my chest. I can't believe this is really happening. I'm going on a date Jillian Holtzmann, the woman I've been pining over for more than a year. It feels like a dream come true.


	8. Chapter 8

When I walk in the firehouse the next morning, with my bag from the coffee shop, Abby and Patty look up from their desks and stare at me. They look like they've seen a ghost; their eyes are wide and lips are drawn into a thin line. They looked terrified.

"Hey, guys! I got some stuff from the coffee shop down the street," I say as I walk toward them and they visibly stiffen in their seats. "What's wrong with you?" I ask, standing in front of Abby's desk. I set the bag down and grab the contents inside; a raspberry Bismarck for Abby and a blueberry muffin for Patty.

"You're not.... you're not going to yell at me?" Abby asks.

"What're you talking about?" I ask, knitting my brows. I hand them their food.

"About Friday?" Patty says, taking a bite of her muffin.

Then it hits me and if I were Abby, I'd probably be afraid too. I've been so happy the last day that I totally forgot about Friday. "Oh. No, I'm not mad anymore."

"But you haven't answered my calls or texts all weekend."

"Well, I WAS mad. I don't think I've ever been so mad at you as I was that night. And I still don't really appreciate that you told Holtz how I felt about her, but I forgive you. I DEFINITELY forgive you," I say as a smile spreads across my face.

"What does that mean?" She asks, a smile tugging the corners of her mouth.

As I'm about to tell her about Holtzmann, here she comes bursting through the door with her usual finesse.

"Good morning ladies! Isn't it a BEAUTIFUL day already?" She bounds into the room and jumps next to me. "Good morning, Dr. Erin Gilbert." She winks at me and I feel like I'm going to wither away any second now.

"Good morning, Holtzmann." I feel my cheeks turning pink. "I got you a bear claw from that coffee shop." I hand it to her and she takes it like it's one of the best presents she's ever gotten. Her eyes are filled excitement and I can't help but giggle. It's just a bear claw.

"Thank you so much! I was so hungry!" She takes a bite and leans against Abby's desk and looks me up and down. The air between us feels.... different. Like an electric charge is passing between us. "You look mighty fine today, hot stuff." She winks again and I can't help but smile like an idiot.

"Thanks, Holtzy."

"Well, I'm gonna go upstairs and work. Those proton packs can't improve themselves!" And with that she's off, practically running up the stairs two at a time.

I turn and look at Abby and Patty, who are both smiling at me coyly. "What?" I asked.

"What in the hell happened this weekend, Erin? Did you turn your phone off because you were mad or because you were 'busy'?" Abby emphasizes the busy by using air quotes.

"Or getting busy! Bow chicka wow wow!" Patty chimes.

"I wasn't getting busy!" My face is bright crimson now. "We haven't even been on a date yet."

"Oh my god, does that you're going on a date with Holtz?" Abby asks, excitement causing her voice to squeak. I grab a chair from Kevin's desk (who is visiting his family in Australia at the moment) and sit down in front of them.

"Yes. Tonight actually." I pick at my scone while Abby and Patty shout out their excitement.

"Where are you guys going?" Abby asks.

"I don't know yet." Panic starts to course through my body. "Oh my god, am I the one who needed to make plans? I didn't even think about it! I just assumed that since Holtz asked me out, she was making the plans. Oh my god, this is going to be confusing..." I cover my face with hands and breathe deeply.

"Whoa, whoa, baby, calm down." Patty says. "This ain't no different than any other date. I take you haven't been with another woman before?"

"No.... have you?" I ask incredulously.

"No, but we all knew you weren't entirely straight. Mostly the way you been eyeing Holtzmann for as long as I've known you."

I sit down as a realization hits me. I turn my voice into a barely audible whisper, just in case Holtz happens to come downstairs.

"You guys.... what if she wants to have sex?"

Patty flat out laughs. I straighten up, a little embarrassed by her reaction.

"What Patty MEANS," Abby hits her on the arm, quieting her. "Is that we're almost a hundred percent positive that Holtzmann ALWAYS wants to have sex. Especially with you."

"Really?" My heart swells at the thought. "So did you guys know she liked me?"

"Of course we did. Anyone with eyes can you guys are crazy about each other," Patty says, recovering from her laughing fit.

"Then how did I not know? Or her, how did she not know about my feelings?" I question.

"You know, that's a damn good question, Erin." Patty raises her eyebrows.

I'm quiet for a moment, soaking this information in, when my original concern comes roaring back.

"You guys. I don't know how to have sex with a woman."

Patty and Abby take a moment to look at each other, trying to stifle their laughs. But they can't hold it in for long.

"I'm being serious you guys! I'm having major anxiety over this!" Frustrated, I throw myself back against the chair and cross my arms across my chest. "I'm not going to know what to do and Holtz is going to think I'm an idiot."

Abby rolls her eyes. "Erin, she's never going to think you're an idiot. Holtz loves and respects anything and everything that you do." She leans back and smiles at me. "And she'll show you what to do. She's patient. She's probably the best person to lose your lady virginity to. So stop worrying so much and just go with the flow. Everything will be okay."

"Fine. Do you think I need to figure out a date idea? Or do you think Holtz is?"

"I'm pretty sure Holtz will take care of everything. If not, just do whatever you guys want. Not everything has to be planned, baby." Patty says. "And if it's that big of a deal, just ask her."

I sit silently for a while, listening to Abby and Patty drone on about some reality television show they watch and eating their pastries. I contemplate whether or not to ask Holtz if she's making the plans, finally finishing my scone and going upstairs. I need to do some work today anyway. If the topic of our date just happens to come up, then so be it.

When I poke my head in the lab, Holtzmann is leaning over a hunk of metal, soldering another piece of metal to it. I don't know how, but she even looks sexy with a welding mask on. I lean against the doorframe, watching her for a minute or so, not wanting to interrupt when she's obviously deeply focused on her task. Whatever that may be.

She lifts her mask up and examines her work, scrunching her eyebrows together and pursing her lips. She turns the object around in her hands, scrutinizing every detail. Then she sets it back down and grabs a pencil she was storing behind her ear and scribbles a note down on the blueprint lying on the table.

"You don't have to admire my charming good looks from afar anymore, Gilbert. I know you have a crush on me." She doesn't look up when she says this, but I can see a smirk forming at the corner of her mouth.

"Old habits die hard, you know." I walk in the lab and she watches me as I pull up a stool and sit across from her. "Am I interrupting?"

"Of course not. Thank you for the sweets by the way."

"You're welcome." I look down at the table, picking at an imaginary spot, trying to think of the best way to bring up my concerns.

"You look a little distraught. Penny for your thoughts?" She questions.

I exhale loudly, trying to blow my anxiety out with it. "I'm just.... nervous."

She tilts her head slightly, concern flooding her face. "What about?"

"About...you...us...this." I point between us, then run my fingers through my hair.

Holtz's face softens. "Erin, if you're having second thoughts, I totally understand. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to or aren't ready for."

"I'm not having second thoughts. And trust me, I want to do this. I've wanted this for a long time. It's just, now that's it's actually happening....I'm scared."

She takes my hand gently, as if it could shatter at any moment, and runs her thumb across my palm gingerly. The gesture catches me off guard, and I feel strangely calmed by such a small touch.

"What are you afraid of? Specifically." She asks.

"Uh..." I lose my train of thought, distracted at how soft Holtzmann's skin is brushing against my own. I close my eyes briefly, shaking my head, until I can make eye contact with her and think clearly again. "I'm afraid...that I'm not going to be good... at this."

"Good at relationships? Dating? Sex?"

"All of it. I've never..." I feel my cheeks redden, frustrating and embarrassing me. I close my eyes. "I've never dated or BEEN with a woman before."

Holtz smirks. "Is that what you're afraid of? That you're not going to know what to do?" She intertwines our fingers.

I sigh with relief. So she does understand. "Mostly."

"Well, don't be afraid. First of all, we can take this as slow as you want. I'm not in any rush. I would be just as happy getting jiggy with it a year from now as I would be if we did tonight." She wiggles her eyebrows up and down and I roll my eyes, trying to hide my blush. "Second, from my own experience, most people just know what they want and know what to do. The hardest part is telling yourself it's okay to let your freak flag fly. But I'm pretty sure that's with all sex in general. So," she picks my hand up and kisses it. "Stop being afraid. But!" She holds up a finger in the air abruptly. "If you are afraid of LITERALLY having the BEST sex you've ever had in your life, then prepare to be terrified. Because baby, I am going to rock your world."

"Is that so?" I ask, rolling my eyes and feigning disbelief.

"Goddamn, right it is, hot stuff."

She winks and all my prior inhibitions have melted away for the moment. This is going to be fine. It's just like normal; except when I leave the office I can go home and have all the pent up sexual fantasies I've been having for year explored.

"Right. So, my other concern is.... are you planning this date or am I?"

"Why do we have to have a plan?" She sets my hand down and props her head up with her own, pushing her face together until she looks like a fish.

"Oh. We don't! I just didn't-"

"Relax, Gilbert, I was just kidding. I have something up my sleeve. Unless you have something in mind?"

"No. I just didn't know. Where are we going?"

"Well, I can't tell you that, Gilbert. It's a surprise." She wiggles her eyebrows up and down, smirking.

"How am I going to know what to wear?"

"Just wear something comfortable. You may have to run." She winks. I can't help but start to feel concerned by the twinkle in her eye.

"What does that mean?"

"Oh, you'll see, cutie."


	9. Chapter 9

Holtz told me when we left the firehouse that she would pick me up at seven. I got home a little after four, but I'm pretty sure I've been standing in front of my closet, trying to decide what to wear, for about an hour. She told me to wear something comfy, but I want to look good for her, too.

I go ahead and take a shower; hoping I come up with an acceptable outfit idea after clearing my head a little. Some of my best ideas have come about in the shower. I take my time, soaking in the hot water, letting it run over my face, calming my nerves. I know this shouldn't be such a big deal. We've been friends for more than a year now and we've hung out together a million times. I mean, it's just Holtzmann. Why does this feel so different? So...new? So adventurous. So, exciting. I'm sure it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that my heart beats a mile a minute when I'm near her, or that all she has to do is wink to turn me into a blubbering mess. Or that the feelings I've had for her for so long are at least somewhat reciprocated.

I get out of the shower and go to stand in front of my closet again. Jeans. Definitely jeans. Comfortable, yet aesthetically pleasing. Flannel. It's chilly out too, so it would be warm and comfortable. I'm glad I managed to do a load of laundry, because my favorite red and black flannel I wear all the time is clean and hanging up. It fits perfectly; it's one of those fitted shirts that hug in all the right places. What shoes go better with red and black flannel than Converse? So, clothes: check.

I lay the outfit on the bed, then go to my dresser, opening the top drawer. I grab a pair of underwear, but a thong I bought years ago catches my eye. I've never worn it. I've just never mustered the confidence. Maybe.... I pick it up and hold it out in front of me, fighting an internal battle. Would Holtz even like me in these? Come on, Erin, you haven't even gone a date with her yet and you're mind's already in the gutter. But... just in case. I take them and the outfit in the bathroom and change.

By the time I dress, put on my makeup, and do my hair, it's ten till seven. I sit on the couch and flip through channels on the television, trying to keep my nerves in check. I'm so incredibly excited, but nervous at the same time. I fiddle with my phone, looking through Facebook, the minutes crawling by as slow as a turtle. Holtz is almost always late to everything she does, so I assume this won't be any different.

The doorbell chimes. I look at the clock on my phone. 6:57. Guess I was wrong.

I open the door and Holtz stands in the hallway with her hands behind her back. I'm struck at how sexy she looks for the millionth time it seems. She's wearing light brown slacks, a white buttoned shirt (the top few buttons loose, revealing the slightest amount of cleavage where her Screw U necklace hangs), a dark brown leather motorcycle jacket, and the same black Doc Martens.

"You look sexy as hell, Gilbert." The compliment pulls me out of the X-rated thoughts that were beginning to form and my cheeks turn pink.

"Thanks, Holtz. You don't look too bad yourself."

She pulls out a small bouquet of orchids. "I remembered you said you were allergic to roses. And I noticed you have orchids sitting on your desk sometimes. So I hope you like these."

"Oh my god, that's so sweet. I love them! Let me put them in some water." I can't believe she remembered I was allergic to roses. I don't even remember saying it.

I motion for Holtz to come inside and shut the door behind her. I go to the kitchen and grab a vase from under the sink, filling it with water. When I turn around, Holtz is sitting at my bar, fiddling with her fingers. She looks nervous. Like genuinely nervous. It's nice to know I'm not the only one.

"Penny for your thoughts?" I ask, centering the vase on the bar. She looks up and I smile reassuringly at her.

"I'm just, nervous, I guess." She looks back down at her fingers.

I stand on the opposite side of the bar, still smiling. "What about?"

"I don't know." She sighs loudly and smacks her hands on the bar. "I guess I just didn't think this would ever happen. And now that it has, I'm afraid I'm going to fuck it up."

I purse my lips and grab one of her hands, kissing the top lightly. "You're doing an amazing job so far."

She smiles at me, her face still showing her vulnerability. "Thanks, Gilbert." All at once her expression changes back to the usual confident and flamboyant Holtzmann. She comes around the bar and kisses me on the cheek. "You ready, Freddy?"

"Let me grab my jacket." I go to the bedroom and grab my black zip-up hoodie.

Holtzmann holds the door open for me and we make our way downstairs and outside. When we get out to the street, she hails a cab and tells the driver an address I haven't heard before.

"Are you gonna tell me where we're going yet?" I ask.

"Well, right now we're going to eat. I'm starving!" She rubs her belly dramatically.

"And then?"

"Somewhere else." She winks and the driver stops outside a diner with neon blue lettering lit up and the word "Chuck's" emblazoned across it.

We get out of the a cab and I pull out my wallet to pay, but Holtz pushes it aside. "This is my date, Gilbert. I got it." She smiles that smile I love and the butterflies come roaring to life in my stomach.

"Such a gentlemen." I smile back bashfully.

"I try." She winks, handing the bills to the driver.

She takes me by the hand and leads me towards the restaurant. It's a decent sized brick building with a couple of outdoor tables adorned with umbrellas positioned under an awning to the side.

"I've haven't been here before, is it good?" I ask.

"I think so. But I may be a little biased. It's my dad's diner." She opens the door for me and I stare at her dumbfounded at this little fact I hadn't known about her.

"You never told me your dad owned a restaurant!"

"You never asked." She's says, as if asking someone if their family owns a restaurant is a question everyone should ask.

I roll my eyesand step inside. The diner has a very retro feel to it: red seats, black and white checkered tile, a jukebox. There's a bar on the right that's white with stainless steel trim and the tables are placed along the left side, next to the windows. Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, and James Dean posters and memorabilia adorn the walls. There's two waitresses who are rolling around in skates wearing poodle skirts and ponytails, taking orders and passing out food. A skinny dark haired man is standing behind the bar in a white apron and white paper hat.

"Holtz, this is so cool! I feel like I've stepped back into the 50's!" I look at her and she looks mildly embarrassed.

"Yeah. Let's sit over here."

She leads me to a table in the back corner of the restaurant. When we sit down, she grabs two menus from behind the napkin dispenser and hands one to me. One of the roller skating waitresses comes over to us and beams at Holtz.

"Is this her, Jillian?"

I smile at the implication of being talked about, but Holtzmann's face has turned a shade of red I didn't know was possible on the engineer.

"Yes, Lydia. Lydia, this Erin Gilbert. Erin, this is my younger sister, Lydia."

I hold my hand out for her to shake. "It's nice to meet you," I say, smiling warmly.

"The pleasure's all mine." She winks and I realize how much they look alike. Same color eyes, same pink lips. Lydia's hair is a dark brown color, but still has the same curly consistency as Holtz's. "What can I get you guys?" She pulls a notebook and pen out of her apron.

"I'll have a hamburger and fries, with a Choclate shake," I answer.

"I'll have the same. Except I want strawberry."

"Alrighty. You know mom and dad are going to come over here, right?" Lydia muses.

"I figured as much." Holtz mumbles. Putting our menus back.

Lydia walks away toward the kitchen and Holtz's anxiety seems to settle a bit.

"I just want to warn you.... my parents can be... odd. They're like the epitome of the word hippie. And they have zero filter."

"Must run in the family, then." I smile at her and she chuckles.

A man and a woman come out of the kitchen doors and I can immediately tell they're Holtzmann's parents. The woman is blonde, with the same plump lips and body build as Holtz. The man has short dark hair, curls strategically placed with gel. He has Holtz's nose and I can see the blue of his eyes from here.

Holtzmann's mom sets our shakes down in front of us and smiles from ear to ear. "Hi, I'm Jillian's mom, Carla." She extends her hand and I take it, shaking gently.

"And I'm Chuck, her dad. We just wanted to come over and meet you. Jill talks so highly of you, we just had to see the enigma herself. You're as pretty as she says."

"Dad..." Holtz groans, pinching the bridge of her nose.

My cheeks turn pink and I smile. "Thank you. I can definitely see where Holtz gets her good looks from."

Holtz tries to stifle a smile, but fails miserably.

"Thank you, young lady. We'll let you guys get back to... Is this a date?" Carla questions.

"Mom!" Holtz scolds.

"Yes, it is a date. It's going very well so far." I wink at her and she seems to loosen up a little more.

"Good! I'm glad to hear that. Lydia will be out with your food in just a few minutes." She gives Holtzmann's shoulder a squeeze and smiles down at her. The admiration in Holtz's eyes as she looks up at her mother warms my heart. They obviously have a good relationship. I wish I had a relationship like that with my own mom. They then turn around and head back to the kitchen.

"They seem really nice, Holtz."

"They are." She smiles.

"So are you related to everyone who works here?"

"I am indeed! Dad always wanted it to be our family diner. Every once in a while we'd run out of enough workers and have to hire someone in, but mostly it's just been the family or close friends."

"Did you work here?"

"I did. I worked here from middle school until I got my bachelor's degree."

"Did you wear a poodle skirt?" I ask excitedly.

"No, sorry to burst your little bubble, Gilbert. I worked in the back." She answers, chuckling.

"Tell me who all these people are then." I say, sipping my chocolate shake.

She looks around at the diner and first points to the guy cleaning the surface of the bar. "That's my younger brother, Charlie. He's 28 and wants to take over the business eventually, so he'll probably be here for life. My dad says he has a business eye." She uses air quotes accentuating the words business eye.

She then points to Lydia, our waitress from before, who's now taking another couple's order. "Of course, that's Lydia. She's 26 and trying to get her Master's degree in Elementary Education. She's getting married this summer to a really nice guy named Maven. That's my older sister, Janine." She points to the other waitress who's grabbing a plate from the kitchen window. Her hair is also blonde, but other than that she seems to have gotten the opposite traits as Holtz.

"She's 35. She always liked working here as a waitress, so I don't think she has any plans of leaving. But she's the artsy one. She's an amazing painter and sculptor. She sells her work all the time and gets quite a bit for them. She's married to Logan, who's the cook here now. They have twins, Deckum and Miles. They're nine."

The revelation shocks me. "You never said you were an aunt."

She shrugs. "You never asked."

Lydia brings our food and sets it down. "Let me know if you need anything else, Erin. Jillian, you can get your ass up and get it." I can't help but laugh at their bickering.

"You're too, too, kind dear sister of mine." Holtz bats her lashes at her, and she rolls her eyes in response and skates away.

We dig in and I fall in love with the food. This hamburger is probably the best hamburger I've ever had and I regret not finding this place sooner, knowing I've gone my whole life without ever tasting a hamburger like this. Leave it to Holtz, though, to have this whole secret family life thing going on.

After we've finished, Lydia takes our plates and I pull out my wallet to pay. But once again, Holtzmann pushes it aside.

"I told you this my date. Besides, I don't PAY for the food here. I've earned a lifetime of free food from the sweat I've poured into this place." She winks and the butterflies creep back. "I do have to pee, though. I'll be right back."

She smiles and goes into the restroom across the restaurant. Carla comes out of the kitchen then and takes Holtzmann's seat across from me.

"I just wanted to thank you for giving Jillian a chance. She's always been popular with girls, but she's never talked about them. So I assumed she just played the field, if you know what I mean." She winks at me too and I chuckle. Winking must run in the Holtzmann family. "You must be pretty special, though. She talks about you all the time. When I asked if you guys were dating, she told me you weren't out yet." Well, apparently everyone knew before I did. "Not to mention she brought you here."

I furrow my brow, confused. "Is that rare?"

"You could say that," she answers with a shrug."It's never happened before."

"What do you mean?" I ask, still confused.

"Jillian bringing a girl here." My stomach warms at the realization that I've been party to something pretty rare. I don't think I've ever felt this important to someone before.

"Telling embarrassing childhood stories, Ma?" Holtz has suddenly made her reappearance at the table. "Ready, Gilbert?"

"Yep." I stand up and Carla follows.

"Oh, wait, Jillian, I have something for you." She walks back to the kitchen.

"She didn't frighten you away did she?" I can't tell if Holtz is being serious or not through her coy smirk.

"Not at all. Actually, she might have brought me closer."

Holtz knits her brows as Carla comes back, holding two brownies.

"One for each of you."

I go to take it, but Holtz grabs my hand.

"No, mom, Erin doesn't eat those." Confusion seems to be the going theme tonight. I frown at her.

"Oh. Well, okay then. Come back another time for them then?"

"Sure, mom."

Carla sets the brownies on the table and hugs Holtzmann, then kisses her forehead. "I love you, Jilly." Then she moves to me, enveloping me in a hug and also kissing my forehead. "It was so nice to finally meet you, Erin."

When we left, I couldn't help but ask. "Why did you deny me a brownie?"

She laughs lightly. "Weeeeeeellll, you see my little love muffin, that was no ordinary brownie." She puts her arm over my shoulders as we walk down the street and warmth spreads through my body.

"Meaning?" I ask, clearing my throat nervously.

"Meaning my dad grows weed and my mom makes edibles out of it."

"Oh." Flustered at the wave of arousal that's encompassing me from her touch and caught off guard by Holtz's nonchalance in this statement, I don't understand at first. Then it dawns on me. "OH! Really? That's..."

"I know you probably disapprove-"

"No, actually, I'm very pro-marijuana."

Holtz stops in the middle of the sidewalk and removes her arm from my shoulder, holding her hands in the air and gaping at me. "WHAAAAAT?"

"Well, yeah. All the studies show that weed is actually a healthier alternative to most pharmaceutical drugs. Not to mention it's safer to use than say, cigarettes or alcohol. I'm a firm believer marijuana has the possibility to cure cancer."

She blinks at me few times before picking her jaw up from the ground. "Wow. I had no idea, Gilbert."

"You never asked." I smirk teasingly.

"Huh. You got me there, cutie." We start walking down the street again, but Holtz doesn't put her arm around my shoulder again; she just shoves them deep into her pockets. "Have you ever experimented with it before?" She asks.

"No. I've never really felt the need to."

"You should sometime. My mom's brownies are amazing."

"Maybe." I smile, linking my arm with hers. She continues looking down at the sidewalk, but I can see a slight blush cross her cheeks.


	10. Chapter 10

We hail a cab and Holtz tells the driver another address I don't know. The cab takes us completely out of the city and towards a pretty remote looking area.

"Are you taking me somewhere to kill me?" I ask, jokingly.

"I couldn't hurt that pretty little face, Gilbert." She winks and I shake my head. We go deeper and deeper into what looks like an almost deserted part of New York and I rack my brain, trying to think of what could be here. We finally arrive at a huge run down building and it finally clicks.

"Isn't this that insane asylum we busted a couple months ago that they're trying to make into a hotel?"

"Yep. They turn it into a haunted house around Halloween to raise money for the renovation. If you wanna go somewhere else, I totally understand. I know this isn't a typical date thing."

I smile widely at Holtz, vaguely remembering my drunken conversation about wanting to go to a haunted house. I can't believe she actually remembered though. Well, maybe I can believe it, because I'm pretty sure Holtz remembers just about everything. The fact that we're going to a haunted house on our first date is what I can't believe. I love that she actually made an effort to do something she knew I wanted to do. Every other date I've ever been on have been pretty typical and boring: dinner, movie, walks in Central Park, etc.

"Are you kidding? This is probably the best date anyone has ever taken me to. And, to be honest, I would be disappointed if our first date was typical. I expect no less than unique from Dr. Jillian Holtzmann."

Holtz grins, biting her bottom lip and takes my hand. "Shall we make our way to our demise?" She says in a voice resembling Vincent Price.

"We shall."

Holtz buys our tickets at the booth in front of the entrance and we make our way to the building. She takes my hand in hers gingerly, eventually intertwining our fingers the closer we get to the line. My face is flushed from the contact, but when her skin touches mine it makes me feel like I'm flying. Her fingers fit so perfectly between my own and her skin is so warm in the chilly, fall air.

The queue doesn't look horribly long; maybe 45 minutes tops. It's lined with stainless steel railing, similar to the ones they use at theme parks for waiting lines. We get behind a young looking couple; a blonde girl who's sitting on top of the rail and a boy standing between her legs with his arms around her waist. He's wearing a letter man's jacket, so I assume they're about high school age.

Holtz releases my hand to bend down and tie her shoe and I suddenly have no idea what to do with my hands, so I fold them across my chest and look at the building. It looks completely different now than it did when we were here for a bust. Red and orange spotlights flash across the front. The theme is obviously an insane asylum: evil looking doctors and nurses pace by the front door; torturous looking medical devices are scattered about; blood is strewn about the porch area. Heavy metal is playing from a loudspeaker nearby, adding to the suspense. You can hear screaming, both by scared customers and by actors, the closer you get to the front of the line.

All of a sudden, a man dressed as a doctor covered with blood and carrying a scalpel, screams in my ear, "Leave!" and I just about jump out of my skin, squeaking like a frightened child. I can hear Holtz bellowing with laughter and I scowl at her.

"You knew that was going to happen, didn't you?" I accuse.

"I'm sorry, but I did." Holtz stands up and gently pushes me against the railing, an arm on each side of me, gripping the cold steel. "Holtzy sorry. Can you forgive me?" She equips her best pouting face and puckers her lips adorably.

Her proximity is intoxicating. I can smell her sweet scented cologne, her apple shampoo, and that indistinguishable smell that can only be described as Holtzmann. Her breath is warm against skin, sending goosebumps up my arms. My eyes venture to her lips, which have now curled into a teasing smirk. To keep myself from ripping her clothes off right now, I bite hard on my bottom lip. I look at her deep, blue eyes that are accentuated by the eyebrow she has raised.

"How can I not when you look so cute?" I mumble. Where did that boldness come from?

She smiles broadly and shimmies her shoulders at me. "Erin Gilbert thinks I'm cute?" She asks, her voice raising an octave to sound jokingly childish.

"Isn't that the point of a date?" I grab loosely on the sides of her opened jacket. She looks down at my hands and takes a step closer to where our noses are inches apart. When she looks back at me, her pupils are blown and the look on her face sends a clear message: desire.

Now she bites her lip, also raising her eyebrow again, confidence exuding from her. She cocks her head slightly, moving closer until her lips tentatively make contact with mine. Her lips are warm and soft against me and her breath smells like spearmint. My arms absentmindedly rests on her shoulders while her hands sit lightly on my hips. My whole body warms and suddenly feels like a furnace. I want all of Holtz, right here, right now, but I know that would be inappropriate. I always assumed that if she kissed me in public, my self-consciousness would kick in full force, keeping me from enjoying it, but that isn't happening. In fact, I want everyone to know she's mine. But is she mine? We haven't really discussed anything like that yet.

I part my lips, wanting to deepen the kiss, when someone behind us clears their throat. We break away and look ahead. The line has moved clear up to the entrance of the haunted house. In fact, we're next to go in.

"Shit, I guess we better get moving!" Holtz says winking and stepping away from me, grabbing my hand.

A woman's voice says, "I'm sorry we had to interrupt, you guys are so cute." The couple behind us, who, I assumed, had cleared their throats stood smiling at us.

"Isn't she though?" Holtz says and squeezes my hand. My face turns bright red and I drag her to the entrance.

When we get to the bloody nurse at the gate, she asks how many.

"Two." Holtz answers.

"Welcome to the Hospital of Hell," she squeals. "Step up to the door and the good doctor will show you inside!"

We step past her, Holtz tipping an imaginary hat at her, and stand in front of a huge wooden door.

"Are you scaaaaared?" Holtz teases, poking me in the sides.

I laugh. "Not yet! We haven't even gone inside!"

The door opens and a bloody doctor holding a bone saw greets us. "WELCOME to the the HOSPITAL OF HELL!" He screams. He opens the door completely and motions for us to go in. I step in first, grabbing one of Holtzmann's hands. She stands behind me, resting her chin on my shoulder.

"Ready, hotstuff?" She whispers in my ear. Her breath is warm against my skin and I close my eyes for a moment in an attempt to keep my libido in check. She ungrasps my hand and instead wraps both her arms around my waist, pulling me closer to her front. I can feel her breasts against my back and a myriad of inappropriate thoughts flood my brain. I'm thankful for the darkness of the room to hide my bright red face.

We start walking, Holtz gripping my waist the whole way. The first room we venture in is set up like a child's room, with an evil looking kid sitting in a bed. When we walk by it, a hands juts out from under the bed frame, attempting to grab our ankles. I jump and start running through the room with Holtz somehow still attached to my waist and giggling wildly behind me. The next several rooms have various mental patients torturing each other and threatening us. Then we get to a long hallway with bars on each side, resembling jail cells. Each one is darkened which makes it impossible to see inside.

"Want me to go first?" Holtz teases.

"No," I whisper.

I start forward, but end up running through as people scream and throw their hands out at me though the bars. Holtz still remains firmly attached to my waist and runs down the hallway with me, laughing the whole way.

After going through several more rooms, we finally make it to the end. Another doctor who looks almost identical to the one who lead us inside stands by a door with EXIT spray painted over it.

"You have been released," he says, opening the door for us. Holtz lets go of me and leans up to smile.

"You alive up there?" She asks smirking. I turn around and kiss her cheek.

"Barely," I answer.

We walk out the doors and crisp October air hits me, causing me to shiver. I didn't realize until we stepped outside that I was sweating and now the chilly autumn air sends a chill through my body. I feel something drape around my shoulders and realize it's Holtz's jacket. She's smiling at me and rolling up the sleeves of her white button up.

"You shivered, so I assumed you were cold." She winks and my heart starts to beat faster.

"Thank you, Holtzy."

We walk further down the path in silence. I soak up the scents of Holtzmann's jacket, burning it in my mind. Definitely Holtz's cologne, but also the faint scent of oil and the smell something electronic produces when left on too long. I pull it tighter around me, tucking the rest of my arms inside.

"You wanna go get some ice cream?" She asks.

"I'd love to."

Holtz orders an Uber and gives him the address of an ice cream shop all of us frequent. I order my usual cookie dough cone and Holtz orders her usual: a flavor called Superman which looks suspiciously like a cone full of blue, red, and yellow playdoh.

We eat our cones on the way to my apartment, and I purposefully walk slowly, hoping to make time go slower, not wanting the night to end.

"So, I have a serious question, Gilbert." Holtz asks after eating the last bit of her cone.

"Shoot." I answer, finishing my ice cream as well.

"Why don't you ever cuss? I literally have only ever heard you swear maybe twice, and one of them was the other night at the club."

I grimace from the memory of last Friday, but Holtz doesn't seem to notice. "I don't know. I don't really feel like it most of the time. Just when I'm mad or upset, really."

"Well, its hot when you do. Probably because it's such a rare occurrence, though." She smiles at me broadly.

My face turns red for the millionth time that night. "Thanks... I think."

We get to my apartment building and nervousness is beginning to pool in my stomach. I don't want tonight to be over. In fact, most of the way back here all I could think about was finding some excuse to get her to come upstairs with me.

At the door, Holtz pauses, hands shoved deep in her pockets, again. She opens her mouth to say something, but I cut her off before she has a chance.

"Would you want to come up and watch a movie or something? I had a really good time tonight. I kind of feel like I don't want it to end." I admit.

Holtz's eyebrows shoot straight up and the corner of her mouth curls into a smirk. "We have to work tomorrow, you know." She says, a hint of amusement in her voice.

"If you don't want to, I totally understand."

"Oh, no, I definitely want to." She winks and licks her lips and I feel that familiar arousal start to surface again.

"Then let's go."

I hold the door open for her and she walks inside the building. She follows me quietly up the stairs and to the door of my apartment. My heart feels like it's going to beat out of my chest. Is she going to try to sleep with me? Am I ready for that? I mean, I am the one who invited her in. Usually when someone does that on a date it's a sign of wanting to go further. If she doesn't make a move, should I? Is she expecting me to? God.... this is so complicated.

I unlock the door and we go inside. I turn on the lights and Holtz starts taking off her shoes while I shrug off her jacket and hang it on the dining room chair. I look down at her feet and grin when her mismatched socks catch my eyes: one with blue and orange stripes, the other black with white skulls on it. Why do I think this is cute?

"Do you like popcorn?" I ask.

"Damn right I do! Who doesn't like popcorn?" She shouts.

"You can go ahead to the living room and pick out the movie if you'd like." I grab a bag of popcorn out of the cupboard and throw it in the microwave. I hear her walk into the living room, but she comes back to the kitchen almost immediately.

"Where are the movies, hot stuff?"

"Oh, they're in the tv stand drawer."

I hear her run back into the living room and jump, I'm assuming onto the ground in front of the tv stand. I watch the popcorn bag spin inside the microwave and smile. She's so adorable. I still can't believe this is happening. Tonight has gone so well, way better than I ever expected.

When the microwave dings, I grab a bowl out of the cabinet and pour the contents of the bag inside. I add a little salt also, sprinkling it throughout the kernels and giving it a good shake.

When I walk into the living room, Holtz is sprawled out on the couch, her head resting on one armrest, her feet on the other. She has her arms behind her head, bopping along to a non existent song.

"So, where am I supposed to sit?" I ask, feigning annoyance.

She sits up and pats the space where her head was occupied. "Right here, baby."

When I sit down, Holtzmann lays her head down on my lap and grabs the remote off the coffee table.

"Where am I supposed to sit the popcorn? On your head?"

"Of course not!" She takes the bowl out of my hands and sets it on her stomach, totally out of reach for me.

"And how am I supposed to eat any?"

She grabs a piece from the bowl and hovers it in front of my mouth. "Open wiiide," she teases. I open my mouth and she pops it in. "See? No problemo!" She puts another piece into her own mouth and turns on the television.

"What movie did you pick?" She puts another piece in my mouth while I grab a piece of her hair and start to play with it.

"Big Trouble in Little China."

"I love that movie. I've seen it at least a hundred times."

She turns her head up to look at me, her mouth full of popcorn. "Want to watch something else?" Somehow I decipher her sentence of popcorn filled mumbles.

"Oh no, I could probably watch this movie a hundred more times."

She presses play on the remote and feeds me a couple more pieces of popcorn. I try to pay attention to the movie, but between Holtz's head laying on my lap and her fingers so close to my mouth, I start to feel an overwhelming need to touch her. I want this. I'm ready for this. I CAN do this. She's made it obvious she wants me, and I definitely want her too. Everything just feels so right.

When Holtz grabs the next piece of popcorn to give me, I decide my first move. She puts it to my mouth, and I grab her index finger with my tongue, sucking on it gently. Her entire body stiffens and I let loose of her finger with a pop. She turns her head to look up at me, but I continue to chew on the popcorn and watch the movie, trying to keep my smirk as small as possible.

"I have to pee!" She shouts and jumps from the couch, practically running down the hall to the bathroom.

Damn, did I mess this up? Maybe she doesn't want me. Nice, Erin. Real nice.

I pause the movie and eat some more popcorn, waiting patiently for her to come back. I don't know how to react now. Should I just pretend like nothing happened? Should we talk about it? I think pretending nothing happened will work.

A few minutes later, Holtz comes bounding back, looking much more relaxed than when she initially left the room. She takes a seat next to me on the couch, one leg planted firmly on the floor, the other crossed over it, but she no longer lays her head on my lap. She puts her arm on the back of the couch, resting behind my head. At least she isn't running out of the apartment like last time.

"Ready?" I ask, offering the bowl of popcorn, hoping she doesn't hear the trepidation in my voice.

"Yes, I'm ready. And I don't want anymore, thank you. I have to watch my girlish figure you know."

I raise my eyebrows at her smirk, setting the bowl back in my lap. "Girlish figure? Holtz you eat more than anyone I know and don't gain any weight."

She shrugs, trying to play it off. I press play and pay attention to the movie this time. I don't want to embarrass myself again.

I continue eating for a few minutes, then put the bowl down on the table and adjust my legs to sit Indian style. It's strangely comforting to have Holtz's arm behind me, even if she hasn't touched me since she got up. I want to lay my head in the crook of her arm, but I afraid I'll do more damage. Maybe she just wants to take this slow; one step at a time.

All of a sudden, I feel Holtz shift next to me and I turn my head to her. She looks at me with an eyebrow raised and her eyes burn with something I can't place. Determination? Maybe. Then she takes my face in the hand not draped over the couch, and leans in to kiss me. Her lips are so soft; it surprises me every time. My hand wanders subconsciously to her thigh, needing an anchor to keep me from flying away to cloud 9.

She parts her lips, lightly grazing my bottom lip with her tongue, silently asking for entrance. I part them and her tongue fills my mouth, massaging mine with hers. The kiss quickly becomes heated and passionate and all I can think about is what her skin would feel like against mine. In one swift motion, I roll onto her lap, straddling her thighs and running my fingers through her hair. She moves her mouth to the tender place where my neck and collarbone meet, sucking and nipping gently. I moan louder than intended and feel her smirk into my skin.

I unzip my jacket, slowly taking it off, questioning her comfort about the situation with eye contact. She looks unsure of herself, afraid even. She puts her hands on my arms before I have a chance to take off my shirt.

"Erin, are you sure about this? I don't want you to do anything you aren't ready for. And I'm not gonna lie, if you keep going I'm gonna have a hell of time stopping."

"Holtzmann, I promise that I'm ready for this." I play with a curl my fingers have grasped while running my hand through her hair. "I don't think I can take this sexual tension much longer. It feels like it's been going on forever and I have NEVER felt this sexually frustrated. I... I really want this. Actually, I NEED this, Jillian."

"Oh god," she groans, laying her head on my chest. "It's so fucking hot when you call me by my first name." She lifts her head again, making eye contact with me. "So, once again, just so there's no confusion, ya know. You do want this?"

"I want this." I assure her.

Confidence floods her face again and a whole new massive wave of arousal courses through my body at the sight of it, stirred by how blown and dark her pupils have become.

"You want me to fuck you, Erin?" She raises an eyebrow and licks her lips, placing her hands on my thighs and squeezing tight.

I've never been good at dirty talk, but the way Holtzmann is looking at me now, like I'm the sexiest girl in the world, gives me the confidence boost I need. I lean down and hold my face as close to her ear as possible.

"Jillian Holtzmann, I want you to fuck me so hard I scream your name loud enough the neighbors hear it." I lick the entirety of her ear and feel her whole body shiver.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Erin."

I sit up straight again and she begins unbuttoning my shirt while I kiss her, hard. When she has it open, she rubs her hands up my collarbone and over my shoulders, pushing my shirt down while stroking my arms. Next she moves to my pants, unbuttoning them and massaging my hip bones. I involuntarily roll my hips against her and her breath hitches. She kisses the spot between my breasts, putting her fingertips just underneath the hem of my bra.

"We need to go to the bedroom. Like now." Holtz pants.

"Agreed."

I get off her and she jumps up from the couch, grabbing my hips and gently pushing me toward our destination. I grab her face and crush our lips together again, taking Holtzmann's tongue and sucking lightly. She moans and grips my hips harder, gently pushing me against the wall next to my bedroom door. She places a knee between my legs, kneading it against my already wet center, and arousal takes over my body completely. Her lips move from my mouth my down to my neck, sucking hard enough to leave a mark, but right now I couldn't care less. Her hands move down to my unbuttoned pants, and roll them down my thighs, crouching and trailing light kisses along with them. It feels like electric shocks shoot to the apex of my thighs with every touch of her lips. She squats in front of me and let's me use her shoulders to balance while she pulls the jeans the rest of the way off.

"Erin Gilbert. Are you wearing a thong?" She turns me slightly, trying to get a better view, but I slam myself back against the wall. Oh my god, I forgot I wore those. This is a whole new level of embarrassment I've never experienced before, and I've been pretty embarrassed by Holtz. Heat floods my cheeks and I know I have to be as red as a ripe tomato.

"I, uh, it, it was all I had clean!" I stammer, covering my face with my hands.

I feel the air move in front of me as she stands up, taking my hands and pulling them away from my face.

"Don't hide, hot stuff." She strokes the palm of my hand with her thumb and I feel my heart rate calm down a bit. "You are so beautiful, Erin. Don't ever feel like you need to hide yourself, in front of me or ANYONE else. And I know you have other underwear clean. Because you are Erin Gilbert, who keeps her apartment spotless, dishes washed, and I'm sure her clothes clean. So..." She runs her index finger up the back of my thigh, to my ass, where she finds the string of my panties and snaps it against my skin. I gasp from the smack, but the effect it has on my body is incredibly arousing. "I'm honored you chose to wear it on our first date."

She winks and leans in to kiss me. It takes only a few more moments of Holtz's demanding tongue and wandering fingers to convince me to move on. I unbutton her vest and let it hang on her sides, not bothering to take it off yet. She pins me against the wall again and wraps my left leg around her waist, running her hand up and under my thighs, ending at the thin string of lace covering my entrance. She's so close to where I need her, but by the smirk she's pressing against my lips as she's kissing me, she knows what she's doing to me.

As I start to unbutton her shirt, I can't help but moan. "Holtzmann, please..."

And then I hear the door of my apartment unlock. We both look at each other, wide eyed and confused. The door opens and Holtz moves in front of me to shield my mostly naked body from whoever's coming inside.

"Erin?" A familiar voice echoes down the hallway.

Oh my god, what the hell is Abby doing here?!


	11. Chapter 11

"Oh my god, Abby! What the hell are you doing here!?" I scream, hiding behind Holtz, who has her arms wrapped around me backwards in an attempt to help shield me. I bury my face in the back of her hair.

"Hi, Abby," Holtz says, as calm as can be. Actually, I even hear a little humor in her voice.

"I see your guys' date went well." Abby muses.

Patty comes in next and stops dead in her tracks. "Damn! Y'all ain't wasting no time getting busy!" She claps her hands and laughs.

"Well we WOULD be getting busy, if you guys hadn't twat swatted me." Holtz chuckles and Patty shakes her head.

"Beaver dammed," Abby retorts.

"Taco Blocko," Patty snaps her finger and yells.

"Cunt punt." Holtzmann.

"Clam jam." Abby.

"Bush whack." Patty.

"Clitorference." Holtzmann sings, holding up her index finger.

"WHY ARE YOU GUYS HERE!?" I yell.

"We got a call and you guys didn't answer your phones. So does this mean you guys are OFFICIALLY together?" Abby's voice has more excitement in it than I think I've ever heard from her before, causing me to be even more annoyed at the situation.

"So, when we don't answer our phones, the most logical thing to do next is barge into my apartment? You didn't even knock, Abby!"

"Well, Erin Gilbert has ALWAYS vowed not to sleep with someone on the first date. So, I thought you guys just went home and weren't answering your phones. It's like four in the morning, you know?"

"You owe me $50, Abby." Patty whispers.

"You guys made a bet on whether we would sleep together or not? This just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?." I huff.

"We couldn't help it! I KNEW you guys were gonna get busy tonight! The sexual tension exuding off you guys has been so thick we could cut it with a knife!" Patty exclaims.

"And I didn't think it would happen so soon because.... well... you're Erin Gilbert." Abby explains.

"What exactly is that supposed to mean?" I accuse.

"You're just, you know, a little prudish."

"I am NOT!" I yell.

"I was just about to get see that less prudish side when you guys came in. And actually, Patty, if the bet was that Erin and I would have sex tonight, then you lost. So far, at least." She looks back at me and winks and I hit her shoulder.

"Holtzmann! Just, follow me to the bedroom please so I can get some clothes on."

She turns around to face me and smirks. "Can I watch?" She winks. I hit her again and she rubs her arm. "How'd you know I like it a little rough, hot stuff?"

I turn around and stomp to my bedroom, no longer caring if Abby and Patty see my ass in a thong, but Holtz walks right behind me, holding onto my hips and walking bow legged to keep from stepping on my heels.

When we get into my bedroom, I continue stomping to my closet to grab jumpsuits. We all have a backup set at home, but I keep two in my closet, since I'm the one who gets slimed the most. I take them out and throw one to Holtz harshly, the heavy jumpsuit hitting her in the chest and falling to the floor. I go through the hangers viciously, trying to find the old t-shirts I keep to wear underneath.

"Are you mad?" Holtz asks.

"No," I answer coldly.

"Really?" I hear her footsteps coming closer and freeze when her arms grab my waist from behind and pull me flush against her front. "Cause you're moving those hangers like you have a vendetta against them." She whispers in my ear, her warm breath sending a shiver straight to my incredibly frustrated center.

"I'm not prudish," I attempt to say, but my voice cracks from Holtz lightly trailing kisses down my neck.

"Being prudish isn't a bad thing, Gilbert. In fact, it's one of the million things I adore about you. You have no idea how long I've fantasized about being the one to make you come undone. Screaming my name underneath me to be more specific." She purrs.

"You haven't been able to do anything yet, Holtz."

She starts to finger the lace of my underwear. "You wore this to our date, didn't you? I obviously have SOME effect on you."

She starts kissing my neck again, moving to my shoulders, then down the back of my neck and between my shoulder blades. I feel like I'm going to explode. All I want is for her to touch me, to make me fall to pieces, which I have no doubt she can, and we get called out to do a bust. Well, that's my luck I guess.

I turn around quickly, pushing Holtz away gently, a grin involuntarily spreading across my face. "Holtz, stop please. That's not fair."

She steps closer again kissing just below my ear. She takes my earlobe in her mouth and sucks. Jesus, I want her so badly.

I pull away from her again. "Holtz!" I scold.

Then there a knocking on the bedroom door. "You guys better quit doin' whatever nasty you're doing and hurry up! This lady called us an hour ago!"

Holtz groans and lays her head on my shoulder. "Is this what blue balls feel like? Because it sucks." She sighs loudly and her warm breath against my skin gives me goosebumps. "Jesus, I've been waiting SO LONG for this and now it's being ripped away from me, leaving me hot and bothered."

"Yeah, I've been waiting for this for a long time, too. I guess a little while longer won't hurt, though." I say, trying to comfort her.

She lifts her head up and smirks. "You know.... we could just..." she grabs my bra strap and pushes it down my arm. "Make it quick." She winks again and I turn pink.

"Just put the suit on, Holtz. It'll be worth the wait." I wink at her now and her mouth gapes open in shock.

\-----

It's only noon and to say I'm exhausted would be the understatement of the year. I haven't slept since the night before our date and that bust was pretty physically demanding. We came into work immediately after that and now I'm sitting at my desk, trying to focus on the paperwork we're required to fill out (except for Holtz, who 'refuses to do such a meaningless task' so I always end up doing her part for her). Holtzmann is scribbling on a blueprint in her lab, 80's pop playing softly on her radio.

I rest my head in my left hand and twirl a pen with my right, staring down at the form. All the words blur together and I rub my eyes in an attempt to clear it. Then I feel the pen being plucked from my fingers and I look up at a beautiful, blonde engineer looking down at me.

"Hey, hotstuff." She sits on my desk sideways and looks down at my papers. "Whatcha doin?"

"Trying to fill out these forms for the bust. What are you doing?" I lean back in my chair and smile.

"Wellllll... I was TRYING to work on a blueprint for some updates on our proton packs, but I can't seem to take my eyes off a certain sexy particle physicist I got to see in a thong last night and who seems to be struggling to stay awake. So," she walks around my desk and pulls me and my chair out from underneath it, bending eye level with me and holding onto the arm rests. "Why don't you go home and get some sleep?"

"I can't, Holtzmann, I have to finish these."

"I'll finish them. One of them is mine anyway, and you always do mine. It's my turn to do yours." She winks and smiles, and I can't help but chuckle. She's so damn adorable. That dimple, those pink lips, those blue eyes...

"I can't tell if your staring at me goofy because you think I'm sexy or still trying to stay awake." She asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Definitely the former."

"Well, meow, meow, beautiful." She shimmies her shoulders, moving closer to me until she brings her lips to mine. Its so light and gentle, but so soft and warm. I could kiss these lips all day.

She smiles against my lips, but pulls away, and I already miss it. "Go home, Gilbert. Sleep."

I play with the blue tie she's wearing that somehow goes well with her burgundy suspenders. "You haven't slept either. How are you gonna finish all this?"

"I can go a long time on very little sleep. It's my secret talent."

"Will you come see me tonight?"

"Of course. I'll even bring food."

I gasp excitedly. "A hamburger from your dad's diner?"

She chuckles. "You could have anything in the world and that's what you choose?"

"Yes! It's only the best damn hamburger I've ever had!"

"Mm, I like it when you curse." She kisses my neck lightly and I swear I can feel every nerve in my body about to explode.

She stands up straight and grabs my hand, pulling me out of the chair. "Please, go home and sleep. You're gonna need it for the plans I have." She winks and I have to bite my lip to suppress a moan.

"Fine. But I expect food."

She kisses me on the cheek. "That's a deal, Lucille."


	12. Chapter 12

I wake up blearily from a dream to the sound of knocking on my door. I look over to my alarm clock and it flashes 6:00 PM. Jeez, I took a five hour nap. I feel a hell of a lot better now though, that's for sure. My stomach growls loudly, alerting me to the fact that I haven't eaten in quite a while. I hope Holtz is here with the food. I toss the covers off and put on a pair shorts and socks before answering the door.

When I answer it, Holtzmann is standing in the hall, holding two styrofoam take out boxes.

"You food awaits, milady," She bows her head in classic royal fashion.

I grab her hand and lead her inside. "Thank God, I'm starving!"

She comes inside giggling as I close the door behind her. She slips her boots off next to the door and looks at me, smiling crookedly.

"I LOVE your bed head, by the way. Did I wake you up?" She asks.

I reach up and feel the rat's nest sitting on my head and heat rises to cheeks. "Oh god, I have to get a brush."

I turn towards the bathroom, but Holtz grabs my hand and sets the food boxes on the counter. "Why? I like it. You don't have to get dressed up to eat dinner with me." She pulls me into her arms and kisses my cheek softly, resting her hands on my waist. I drape my arms across her shoulders and she smiles. "You look beautiful."

"Thanks, Holtzy." Our foreheads rest against each another's and I can't keep from blushing.

"Shall we eat?" She asks.

"We shall."

She releases me and I grab the boxes of food, along with some silverware from the kitchen and take a seat in the living room. When I open the box, the aroma smells so amazing I hum slightly.

"God, this smells amazing." I mutter.

Holtz opens her box next, smiling brightly. "Oh, I'm supposed to tell you my mom says hi."

"Well, tell her I said hi back." I take a bite out of my hamburger and wink at her.

I turn on the television and change it to some comedy I know Holtzmann loves. "Have you slept yet?" I ask her.

"I took a couple hour nap on the couch at the lab after I got all that dumb paperwork done."

"A couple of hours? Holtz, aren't you tired? You don't have to stay here, you can go home and sleep. Or you could sleep here. I don't understand how you're still functioning."

"I told you, hot stuff, I don't have to have much sleep. I usually just get a few hours a night anyway."

"Well, just know it's okay if you want to go home, I understand. It won't hurt my feelings."

I lean back against the couch, and lay my hand on Holtzmann's upper thigh, nonchalantly. Well, I act nonchalant, but in reality my heart is beating faster than I think it ever has and I yearn for her to touch me back. Inappropriate thoughts begin to flood my mind as I feel the heat from her body under my hand. Flashbacks of the night before flood my mind and I feel myself getting warmer by the second. She leans back against the couch also, throwing her arm behind my head and across the back of the couch.

"Do you want me to go home? Cause it's okay if you do, it won't hurt my feelings either."

"God, no." I say in a desperate huff, making my desire blatantly obvious. She raises her eyebrow and smiles at me as I try to play it off. "I mean, I like you here. I like spending time with you."

"Sooooooo, does this mean I get a second date?" She asks, wiggling her eyebrows up and down.

"Hm. I don't know.... I had a good time and all but you got VERY handsy with me at the end." I squeeze her leg to make sure she knows I'm joking.

"Yeeessss, that I did. But you seemed to like it as I recall."

"Well, you got me there. I guess I'll just have to accept your second date."

"Well that's a relief!" She wipes imaginary sweat from her forehead and smiles. Then her face turns serious, her eyes softening. She bites her bottom lip nervously and plays with seam on the back on the couch. "Sooo... what does that make us then?"

I furrow my brow, confused. "What do you mean?"

She bites harder on her lip, then lets it loose abruptly. "Are you my girlfriend? Or are you not interested in that?"

I smile broadly, trying to hide my excitement about the concept of being Dr. Jillian Holtzmann's girlfriend. I thought it would never happen. I feel butterflies flying around in my stomach.

"I would love to be your girlfriend, Holtzmann. I've wanted to be yours for a long time. It feels like forever, actually."

"Like, what kind of girlfriend?" She asks meekly.

"What do you mean what kind of girlfriend? Are there different kinds?"

"Well, I guess I more mean are we exclusive? Like, if I changed my relationship status on Facebook to 'in a relationship with Erin Gilbert', would you accept it? Or is this more of an 'It's Complicated' type of request?"

Oh no, did I read this wrong? Is she just wanting a friends with benefits type deal?

"Holtz..." I trail off, trying to think how to explain my emotions right now. "I don't think I can do an open type of relationship, if that's what you're wanting here. I'm not... emotionally equipped to be able to handle th-"

"No, no, no, that's not what I want either! I just..." Holtzmann shakes her head, frustrated. "I just want to make sure you want me like I want you. That I'm not misunderstanding the situation."

She cups my face with her left hand and moves her right from the couch and to my arm. She kisses me deeply and I feel like I could float away at any moment. She pulls away too soon and I look at her, dazed.

"I want you to be mine, and only mine, Erin. And I want to only be yours."

My breath hitches and I tangle my hands in her hair, crushing our lips together. She grabs my waist, pulling me closer and gently sucking on my bottom lip. Her fingers slide just underneath my shirt, too nervous to go any further. She moans as I caress her tongue with mine.

I slowly lean back, pulling her with me by the straps of her vest, and she settles on top of me, between my legs. She runs her hand from my knee, all the way up to my thigh, her fingertips burning into my flesh the whole way. She moves from my mouth to my ear, licking and sucking down to my jawbone and neck, sending shockwaves of desire through my body. I start to pant uncontrollably, fumbling with the buttons of her vest as she sucks the base of my neck, hard. I want her so badly it feels like my whole life depends on this moment.

"Fuck, Jillian." I mutter.

She moans against my chest as she tugs my shirt up and peppers my stomach with light kisses and nips.

"I fucking love it when you curse. It turns me on like you wouldn't believe." She comes back up and kisses my lips again as I finally get her vest free. Frustrated at the time it took to remove it, I opt to just rip Holtz's shirt off. Buttons fall onto the floor and she looks at me, smiling.

"Impatient are we, Miss Gilbert?"

"You have no idea, Holtzmann."

"Oh, but I assure you I do."

She latches onto my neck again and I push her shirt off her shoulders and onto the floor, her breasts are covered with a black lace bra that accentuates her amazingly. As much as I love seeing her in sports bras and crop tops, lace seems to have a whole new effect on me. She rolls her hips against mine, causing a loud moan to escape my throat. She smiles broadly at the sound and winks.

"As impatient as I am to have you right here, I think we should go to the bedroom. This couch is a little small for what I want to do to you, hot stuff." She pants.

She licks her lips and stands up, picking me up with her. I wrap my legs around her waist and she carries me to the bedroom. I look down at her lips and run my thumb across them. She smiles again and takes the finger in her mouth, sucking on it, then releasing it with a pop. I gasp at how erotic it feels and looks and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to throw the panties I'm wearing away.

As we get through the door of my bedroom, I take my top off and she growls, then licks and bites at my bare collarbone. She deposits me on the bed and stands in front of me, biting her bottom lip again and looking down at me. I grab the buckle of her belt and quickly unfasten it, along with her pants. I pull them down and she steps out of them. I marvel at her small, but muscular frame clad only in her black lace bra and panties. I kiss the contour of her abs and lick around her belly button, then move down to suck on her wasp tattoo and bite at her hip bones. She runs her fingers through my hair and look up at her.

"I've never done this before. With a woman, I mean." I whisper up at her shyly.

"I know, baby."

"I'm sorry if I'm... not good."

She pushes me down on the bed gently and pulls my shorts off, then crawls up my body and hovers over me with her hands on each side of my head.

"That's not possible, Er. I want you so badly that it doesn't matter what you do, it's going to turn me on. Everything you do turns me on. It turns me on when you stand in front of the whiteboard at the firehouse," she kisses the right side of my jawline. "When you run your fingers through your hair when you're frustrated," now the left side. "Definitely when I see you changing into your jumpsuit before a bust out of the corner of my eye," she kisses the tip of my nose now. "Even some of the most mundane things, like when you concentrate, or laugh, or even eat."

"So, in other words, basically everything I do turns you on?" I chuckle.

"Your goddamn right it does. Because you are so fucking sexy, Erin, and one of the sexiest things about you is the fact that you don't realize it at all. You go on doing all these things all day long and before now, I tried not to watch because I knew I couldn't have you. And now that I FINALLY have you right where I want you, it feels like all you would have to do to tear me to pieces is let me touch you. So, please baby, don't worry about not being good. If you're not ready to touch me, you don't have to. I'll get just as much pleasure out of making you come undone as I would if you reciprocated. But if you want to, I'll be here to tell you and show what to do. Either way, I'm going to fuck your better than anyone else has. I promise you that much, baby."

My breath hitches and goosebumps cover my body. Holtzmann's eyes are dark with desire and I don't doubt anything she says. Swallowing hard in anticipation, I hold her face in my hands and we smile briefly at each other before we're kissing passionately again. She reaches under my body and unhooks my bra, looking to me for permission to remove it. I nod and she throws it across the room.

She looks at me again and says, "Erin, I need you to promise me something, okay?"

"You talk a lot, Holtzmann," I pant.

"I know, I know. I just.... I want this be perfect. But I need you to promise me that if at any time you want me to stop or don't like what I'm doing, you'll tell me."

"I promise, Jillian, just PLEASE continue, I feel like I'm going to explode," I whine.

She winks, then bites and licks down my neck and chest, leaving blemishes as she goes. She makes her way to my breast, licking around the nipple as close as she can without actually making contact with the nub, teasing me. I watch her as she finally takes it between her teeth and pulls slightly, the contact causing me to arch my back in an attempt to gain more friction. Once again reading my mind, she brings her knee between my legs and gently grinds it directly against my swollen clit.

"Fuck..." I moan.

"You're so wet, Erin. I can't wait to taste you."

She kisses down my stomach and rolls my underwear down my legs with her, throwing them off the bed, then positions herself between my legs.

"You smell so fucking amazing, Erin." She looks up at me and winks, then wraps her arms underneath my thighs, lifting me slightly for better access.

The next thing I know, I feel her tongue deep inside me and I almost scream from finally having a chance to release a year's worth of sexual frustration. I bite my hand to keep it from escaping, but Holtzmann looks up at me again.

"Don't hold it in, Gilbert, I want to hear you scream."

I release my hand and she continues. She removes her tongue from my entrance and swirls it around the bundle of nerves aching to be touched, teasing me. I tangle my hands in her hair and can't control myself from panting loudly. She flicks her tongue across my clit and I accidentally pull her hair. She moans against me, but I'm unsure if it's from pain or pleasure.

I let loose of her hair, just in case. "Shit, Holtzmann, I'm sorry."

She lifts her head and smiles. "Don't be sorry, but please keep doing it." She raises an eyebrow and sucks hard on my clit, keeping eye contact with me.

"Oh my god..." I whimper.

Jillian Holtzmann must have a magic tongue, because the things she's doing to me, the feelings she's creating, I have literally, never felt before. It swirls and flattens and licks thick stripes up and down my sex. I grab her hair with both hands and my hips involuntarily grind into her touch. She moans loudly and the vibration just about sends me over the edge.

Then, she slowly pushes two fingers inside me, pumping in and out, faster and deeper with each thrust. I feel my legs start to tremble and my stomach muscles tighten. Her fingers curl just right and rub against my g-spot.

"Oh my fucking god, Jillian, I'm gonna come!" I moan loudly, closing my thighs around Holtzmann's head. She licks faster and pumps her fingers deeper and my climax hits me hard, like a freight train. I scream her name and my hips surge upward against her mouth.

She coaxes me down from my high and comes back up to kiss me, but keeps her fingers pumping slow and shallow inside me.

"Oh, you're not done yet, hot stuff." She kisses me hard, thrusting her tongue in my mouth and I can taste my arousal, sending a whole new wave of want straight to my center. "You taste so good, Erin, I had to share."

Then she starts pumping faster again, kissing me, and sucking my neck, hard. I pant loudly, and she grinds her hips against her hand, spurring another sensation that feels so new and orgasmic. It doesn't take long for another wave to crash through me and I wrap my legs around her hips, meeting her fingers with each thrust. I scream her name when I come this time, scratching my nails along the length of her back. She kisses me, softer this time, easing me down again from my second orgasm. This one lasts for what seems like an eternity, significantly longer than any other I've experienced and she smiles when I finally relax in her arms. She wasn't kidding when she said she was going to fuck me better than anyone else has.

I close my eyes, reeling from the intensity of the release, and Holtz gently pulls her fingers out of me. I shudder from the loss of contact and she seductively puts them in her mouth, swirling her tongue around them and letting them loose with a pop. I bite my lip hard and I feel like I could come again just watching her.

"You okay, Er?" She asks, brushing a piece of hair from my face and behind my ears. She looks at me with worry as she leans on her elbow over me and my heart swells. I've never had someone treat me like this after sex. Any other time, the guy would just roll over and sleep, getting the release they wanted and be done.

"I am so much more than okay, Jillian." We both smile, and I lean up to capture her lips in mine again.

This time, I'm the one who turns the kiss deeper and she moans against my mouth, stirring me up again. I grab underneath both of her arms and flip her over on the bed. I straddle her hips and she looks up at me, surprised at my boldness; but, to be honest, I'm just as surprised as her.

"Holy shit, Gilbert. I-" I cut her off by putting my index finger against her lips

"It's my turn to try, Holtzy. You'll have to guide me through it, though."

I run my finger from her lips to the dip between her breasts and undo the clasp that's placed perfectly in front. It falls to her sides and she slips out of it, tossing it on the floor somewhere. I continue to run my finger down, between the crease in her abs, over her tattoo, to the hem of her panties.

"Are you gonna help me, Jillian?" I go inside her underwear and take a swipe down, dipping into her arousal, bringing my finger to my lips and licking it off. She tastes so amazing and I'm a little startled at the thought that I may never be able to live without this again.

Holtz goes slack jawed and her eyes grow even darker. "Fuck yes, I will."

I scoot down her legs, taking her underwear with me and I'm taken aback at how wet she actually it is. It's basically dripping down her thighs.

"See something you like?" She asks as she sits on her elbows, looking at me.

I wink and push her legs open further and can't help but lick my lips. Who knew someone could be so appetizing. I look back up at her and she's smirking at me while biting her bottom lip.

I hold my index finger up in the air. "So, Holtzy, where do you want this?"

"You know where I want it, Erin." Her voice is breathless, anticipation taking its toll.

"But I need you to show me, Holtzmann."

I raise an eyebrow coyly and she gingerly grips my finger. She places the tip above her clit and an animalistic moan escapes her mouth. She lays back, arching her back, and throwing her other arm behind her, gripping the headboard.

"God, you have no idea how long I've dreamt of this, baby," she exclaims.

She uses my finger to make small circles around the pulsing bundle of nerves and I feel myself getting worked up again. I can see and smell her arousal spilling out from her and all I want is to taste it; to taste her on my tongue. I've never been with a woman, but I never dreamed it would be like this.

I lick a long stripe from her entrance straight to her clit, licking around the finger she's using to stimulate herself with, and moan loudly against her.

"Fuck, that feels so good, Erin..."

She lets go of my hand, obviously trusting me to find my way, and threads her fingers through my hair. She rubs my head and begins slowly pumping her hips as I flatten my tongue across her and dip it inside, swallowing as much liquid as I can. I thrust my tongue in and out, as my finger continues circling her clit. She pants loudly, gasping my name, and I find it increasingly hard to keep from touching myself.

I move my tongue up to her clit and flick it hard. She throws her hands to her sides and takes handfuls of sheets in her palms.

"Hngh, shit!" She pumps her hips faster against my mouth and I follow her lead by flicking faster.

"Fuck, Erin, I want you inside me so bad," she moans.

I take her cue and slowly enter her with one finger, pumping to match the rhythm of her hips and my tongue.

"More..."

I add another finger and she moans loudly. I pump in and out, while simultaneously sucking and flicking her clit, and the sounds she's eliciting are the last straw. I reach down to my own throbbing center and rub circles vigorously around my clit. I look up and see Holtz smirking at me.

"That's so fucking hot, Erin."

I pump faster and she throws her head backwards against the pillow. "Oh god, I'm gonna come, Erin." She grabs my hair again, using it for leverage to grind harder against my mouth. I feel my own legs starting to tremble and can't stop from moaning against her.

Her thighs start to quiver and she arches her back, on the verge of her climax. "Fuck, yes, Erin!"

All it takes from there is a curl of my fingers and she's gone, screaming my name and obscenities in the air, taking me with her. I breathe hard while simultaneously easing both of us down from our climaxes. I feel her pull at my arms, wanting me to come back up. I hover over her and she smiles broadly, tucking loose strands of hair behind my ear.

"That was amazing, Er," she says.

"You don't have to say that, Holtz." I feel my cheeks blushing a bright red.

"I'm being serious. There's no way that was your first time."

"It definitely was. I would know," I chuckle. "Beginner's luck, maybe?"

"I think maybe natural talent would be a better fit." She kisses my lips and I settle into the crook of her arm, nestling my head against her chest.

I rub small, intricate circles across her abdomen, watching her chest rise and fall with each breath. She plays with a few pieces of my hair, twirling it between her fingers. While tracing the contour of her stomach, I feel the raised skin on her hip where her tattoo is and lift my head to look at her.

"Holtzy?"

"Babe?"

"Why do you have a tattoo of a wasp? I like it, it just seems like a random thing to have a tattoo of."

"Have you ever read 'The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo'? Or seen the movie?"

"I've heard of it. It's about a hacker who gets hired to help find a killer or something, right?"

"Um, kind of." She chuckles a little. "The hacker's name is Lisbeth Salander and she's literally my biggest literary hero ever. Seriously, Er, you should read it. But her hacker name is Wasp and she has a wasp tattoo on her neck. So I guess it's just kind of my reminder of someone I admire."

"That's so cool, Holtz. I'll have to read it."

"You definitely need to. It's a necessity." I snuggle my face back into the crook of her neck and sigh contentedly.

We lie in comfortable silence for a while, both of stroking some part of the others body, relishing the events of the night.

I finally have to break the silence. "Holtzmann?"

"Gilbert?"

"That was the best sex I've ever had in my life." I flush at the admission, embarrassed that it just flew out of my mouth without much resignation or thought.

"No need for flattery, hot stuff. You already got me." She kisses my forehead, but I raise my head and look at her again.

"I'm being serious. I have never, in my life, came so hard, with such intensity, and for such a long period of time. And, not to mention, I've never been able to come more than once. And you definitely succeeded in doing that."

Her cheeks turn pink now and she tries to stifle a grin. "Maybe you just haven't had the right partner before." She winks.

"Or maybe you're just a sex goddess."

"Maybe. Wanna go again?" She wiggles her eyebrows at me and I laugh.

"How can I resist that offer?"


	13. Chapter 13

I wake up to the sound of my alarm clock blaring, signaling it's time to get up for work. Holtzmann's arm is draped over me and my leg is entangled with hers. When I turn over to look at her, a smile creeps across my face as I admire how beautiful she is. She's lying on her stomach, her face turned away from me, her blonde curls splayed across the pillow. We're both entirely naked still and my mouth dries at the sight of her. The sheet we covered up with last night is draped over the lower half of her body with her right leg sticking out, revealing her incredibly sexy thigh. Her back rises and falls rhythmically with her breathing and I feel so lucky to be able to look at the contour of those muscular shoulders, back, and arms.

"I feel you gawking, Gilbert." Holtz says into the pillow.

She turns over and nestles into the crook of my neck. I rub her back while she rubs small circles on my arm.

"We should probably get ready for work," I state, begrudgingly.

She groans and flops backward onto the bed. I bite my lip as her breasts become visible from the sheet.

"What time is it?" She asks.

"Seven."

"I'm two hours late to being early. You're a bad, bad, influence on me, Erin Gilbert."

Suddenly, she's pushing me down on the bed, straddling me, her hands holding my shoulders down. She bites her bottom lip and cocks her head to the side.

"You're absolutely delectable with sex hair, hot stuff. Especially when I'm the one who gave it to you," she purrs, leaning down and running her tongue down the length of my ear.

A shiver runs through my entire body, causing my newly sensitive clit to pulse. She rolls her hips against mine and my eyes roll upward and close. She sits back up and runs her fingers across my sternum, down my rib age, across my stomach, then back up to my breasts. Her index finger hovers over my already erect nipple. I open my eyes and when I look into hers, a jolt of desire shoots through me and I feel wetness starting to pool between my legs. Her eyes are dark, her pupils dilated, her eyelids heavy. Her right eyebrow is raised and she's running her tongue across her lips. So much confidence and cockiness is exuding from her you can almost see it.

Then, she leans over, taking my right nipple between her teeth. She flicks her tongue across it lightly, and I arch my back into her mouth, begging for more. She wraps her lips around the pink bud and sucks hard, simultaneously rubbing my other nipple with her index finger. She takes one last flick of her tongue before sitting up and smirking down at me.

"You know, breakfast is the most important meal of the day," she says.

I gulp, anticipation beginning to drip down my leg. "It definitely is. There are studies." I answer, nodding my head.

She chuckles. "There are. Anything in mind, Gilbert?" She raises an eyebrow and winks.

"Plenty. Plenty in mind, Holtzmann." I swallow hard as she trails her finger down my abdomen again.

"Like?"

"You know."

She rolls her hips against me and my head rolls back on the pillow. Jesus, she knows exactly what she's doing.

"I want to hear you say it, Erin." She purrs.

"P-please put your mouth on me, Holtzy." I beg, rubbing her thighs with my trembling fingers. "I want to feel your tongue inside me."

"Thatta girl."

She winks again, then latches onto my neck, sucking hard, making her way down my body. Goosebumps flood my arms and legs and I swear I can feel little jolts of electricity everywhere her mouth touches. She sucks on the dip between my hip and thigh and I arch my back, a loud moan escaping me and filling the room. She smirks against my skin as she moves closer to where I need her most.

"Please, Jillian, I want you so bad." I whimper.

I run my fingers through her hair, tugging slightly, and she hums against my center. She runs her finger through my folds, and pops it her mouth, sucking it dry.

"Mmm, baby, you taste so good. This is probably the best breakfast I've ever had."

She runs the tip of her tongue from my clit to my entrance, where she thrusts it inside me as far as she can. My hips buck involuntarily and my mouth drops open in a silent scream. She replaces her tongue with two fingers, and moves her mouth to focus on my clit, flicking and sucking hard. She pulls my thighs apart wider, allowing her to go deeper.

"Jesus Christ, Holtzmann," I pant, grinding my hips against the thrusts of her skilled tongue. "Don't stop, please don't stop!"

She flicks harder and flattens her tongue, providing an entirely new and more intense feeling and eliciting a moan so loud it reverberates against the bedroom walls. I pull her hair harder and she moans with me. She curls her fingers inside me and I feel a familiar burning in my stomach.

"Fuck, right there, baby, right fucking there! I'm so close!" I exclaim.

All it takes is one more flick of her tongue and I come completely undone. I explode around her fingers, screaming her name at the top of my lungs. I can hear Holtz moaning loudly below me, but I'm too far gone right now to pay much attention.

Finally, after gathering my wits, I look down at a trembling Holtzmann still positioned between my legs. Her face is buried in the sheets now, and her hands are still attached to my thighs. Her breaths are muffled, but still loud enough to make out through the fabric.

"Holtz, did you just-"

"Yes. Yes I did." She mumbles into the bed.

"Did you even touch yourself?" I chuckle.

"Nope." She lifts her head up and looks at me. "You were just soooo fucking hot I couldn't help it!"

I laugh and sit up, pulling her onto my lap. "I don't think I've ever been so flattered."

I take her lips in mine as she cups my face in her hands. Her tongue slips inside my mouth and runs across my bottom lip. She moans quietly against me and I can't hide the smile spreading across my lips. When I pull away, she pouts and lays her head on my shoulder.

"We should probably get ready for work." I whine.

"I don't want to, I'd rather stay here in bed with you." She sticks her bottom lip out, making those puppy eyes that kill me. "We could call in."

"I'll make you a deal. If you get up with me and promise to get ready for work, I'll make your shower one of the most memorable showers you've ever had." I feel myself blush with the boldness of my proposition, but Holtzmann's eyes light up and lips curl into a smile and my embarrassment dissipates almost as soon as it appears.

"That's a deal, hotstuff!"

She jumps off the bed and practically runs to the bathroom and I hear the water running within seconds.

\----

On the way to the firehouse, we stop at the cafe nearby and grab some breakfast for everyone. Somehow, Holtz forces me onto her back like a child, giving me a piggyback ride all the way there. A year ago, the thought of someone giving me a piggyback ride would have made me scoff and roll my eyes. And now look at me. I don't know what it is about her, but I've never felt so... free before. Like I just want to be me and I don't care who knows it. I've never felt so happy and fulfilled in my entire life and I just hope I make her as happy as she does me.

When we go through the firehouse doors, Abby and Patty look up from their desks and laugh at the spectacle of vivacious Jillian Holtzmann giving timid Erin Gilbert a piggyback ride.

"Well, well, it looks like you two had a good time last night," Abby muses.

Holtz sets me down and I hand Abby and Patty the food we bought them.

"We thought we'd get you guys some breakfast since we're a little late," I say, blushing slightly.

"A little late? A little late is 20, maybe 30 minutes late. You guys are TWO HOURS late," Patty answers.

"We're really sorry, Pattycakes," Holtz begins. "But I just REALLY didn't want to leave the shower this morning. It's my fault. Can you forgive little old Holtzy?" Holtz says, batting her eyelashes in Patty's direction.

"Too much info, Holtzy." She answers, holding her hand up to her.

"No, too much information would be me telling you guys how good Erin is-"

"Holtzmann!" All three of us yell simultaneously.

She holds her hands up in defeat. "Sorry, sorry."

"For real though guys, no sexing in the firehouse. We all work here, and sit on the furniture and I don't want to be afraid of touching.... excretions or something." Abby explains.

"Gross, Abby, did you have to use the word 'excretions'?" I scrunch my face, disgusted at the choice of word.

"I promise, Abby, on all I find holy, there will be no excretions on any piece of furniture in the firehouse." Holtzmann holds out her pinky finger to Abby and she takes it with her own. After they release their fingers, Holtzmann grabs her sandwich and takes a bite. "Well, I'm gonna go upstairs and start working on the babies. See you guys later." She leans over and kisses me lightly on the lips, then bounds up the stairs two at a time.

I take my sandwich out of the bag as Abby stares at me intently, a grin tugging the corners of her mouth. I pretend not to notice and start eating my sandwich, but when Patty props her head up with the palm of her hand and raises an eyebrow at me, I can't take it anymore.

"What?" I ask swallowing my food in the process.

"Are you going to tell us how it was? We need details, Erin! This was you're first time with a woman! I need to know how it went!" Abby exclaims.

"Yeah, come on, tell us how it was!" Patty chimes in. "Just, you know, not TOO detailed."

"Why do you guys need to know about my sex life?" I roll my eyes at them as I feel a blush creeping across my cheeks.

"Because we're your BEST FRIENDS! We have a duty and a right to know!" Abby takes hers and Patty's sandwiches out of the bag and hands one to the historian. "I mean, you don't have to go into SPECIFIC detail, but there is a summary requirement."

"Fine, fine." I lean close to them, careful to lower my voice so Holtzmann doesn't hear. "It was....God, I can't even begin to describe it. There isn't a word that can properly explain the intensity and passion and... I don't even know. She makes me feel so calm. Like I can finally, truly be myself, without any inhibitions or self-consciousness. She makes me feel like a little kid again. And oh my god, the sex you guys. I've NEVER came so many times, or so hard, or for so long in my entire life!"

"That's the line for detail, baby." Patty interrupts.

"Sorry, sorry. But it's just so amazing. She definitely knows what she's doing." I shake my head as a smile crosses my lips.

"Well, duh, Erin. Girls used to drool all over themselves because of her for a reason. Still drool, actually, since she gets the most fan mail out of all us. She's known to be quite.... knowledgeable in the art of pleasure." Abby chuckles and takes a bite of her sandwich.

"Well, let me tell you, the rumors are most definitely true. Not to mention she's so patient and reassuring. And insatiable. So very insatiable. She can go for HOURS."

"So....are you going to tell your mom?" Abby asks.

My heart sinks at the thought. She hadn't even crossed my mind. My mom is a very.... conservative person. I've never told her that I was bisexual. When she sent me to therapy, our relationship became permanently strained. I feel like I've spent my entire life trying to live up to her expectations but have always fallen short. When I graduated high school, I moved to New York to be able to start a life I wanted to live, without her scrutiny. We're still in touch, but it's really just a phone call once a month or so. She knows very little of my life and I like to keep it that way.

"No. It's not her business," I mumble between bites.

"Do you plan on being with her, like publicly? Because you KNOW this will be in the papers and stuff. She'll find out, Erin."

"Wait, what's the deal with your mom?" Patty asks.

"Erin and her.... don't exactly see eye to eye. Actually, Mary Gilbert is an uptight pediatrician who treats Erin like shit." Abby answers.

"Ah, I understand completely." Patty goes back to chewing her food and listening intently.

"She's not going to find out. It's not like she even pays attention to all that celebrity stuff."

"But have you told Holtzmann? Does she know how intense she is?"

"We haven't had much of a chance to talk," I snicker.

"I'm being serious, Erin. You need to be prepared for the possibility of her finding out. And you need to include Holtzy because it's going to affect BOTH of you."

"Okay, Abby. Jeez..." I say in an attempt to ease the physicist's mind. But in reality, I push all thoughts of my mother as far back in my mind as I possibly can. That's where they're best kept at.


	14. Chapter 14

Two weeks go by and Holtz and I are still going hot and heavy. We spend every night together, switching off between places, and I honestly have never been happier. She fits so perfectly into my life that I don't know how I've lived without her all this time. There are so many things Holtz does to make my life better, more enjoyable. She's so incredibly kind and loving towards me. She makes sure to tell me everyday how beautiful I am. She holds my hand to work, she opens doors for me, saves me the best parts of her meals. It's so many little things that I can't name them all, but are all an integral part of what makes Holtzmann so amazing.

She's so amazing, actually, that I know I've fallen head over heels in love with her. I haven't told her yet, about how deep my feelings for her have become, but I don't think I can hold it in much longer. I don't know how many times I've almost slipped up, the words forming on my mouth when we wake up in the morning, after sex, when we go to sleep. But I'm sure she thinks it's too soon for that. I mean, I think it's too soon, too, but I can't help what I feel.

It's Friday night, and Holtzmann and I have eaten dinner at her place and have wandered to her bedroom, where we're now partially clothed and entangled in each other's arms. As Holtzmann is kissing down my body, dragging my pants along with it, I moan loudly to the air. My eyes are closed in bliss as I lay at the top of her bed, running my fingers through her hair. I close my eyes and lose myself to my desire.

I may have lost myself too deeply however, because I finally hear Holtzmann call my name and I realize she's said it several times now.

"Yeah, Holtzy?" I murmur.

"Your phone is ringing." She says as she kisses the inside of my thighs.

"I don't care, keep going."

She shrugs her shoulders and continues her ministrations, but my cellphone continues to chirp over and over. She lifts her head again a few minutes later, elated.

"Maybe you should answer it, hotstuff. What if its important?"

"Ugh, fine."

I grab my phone off the nightstand and Holtzmann continues to nip and suck on my inner thighs, furthering my frustration. Wanting to hurry the phone call, I answer abruptly, without looking at the caller ID.

"This is Erin," I huff into the speaker.

"We need to have a discussion, Erin." My blood runs ice cold when I recognize the voice and the disgust that it's laced with. I sit up straight and Holtz looks up at me, concern flooding her face, her brows knitting together.

"Mom?" My voice becomes so small I almost can't hear myself. I look down at Holtzmann, who's still looking at me, confused and concerned. If she only knew how terrified I am right now.

"Yes, Erin, or did you forget who I was?"

"Mom... let me call you back in like half an hour. I'm not home." I swing my legs off the side of the bed and start putting my panties and pants back on.

"I will give you exactly 30 minutes to call me back." She hung up the phone and I cradle my head in my hands. Holtzmann's small and delicate fingers begin rubbing small circles on my lower back and I look over at her. She's also risen to a sitting position next to me and I can tell by the look in her eyes that she's unsure of how to handle the current situation.

"What can I do to help you, Erin? Abby told me you weren't on very good terms with your mom so I can only assume by the sound of her voice that this probably isn't going to be good. Do you want me to come with you?" She asks.

"No, I just need to talk to her alone. Thank you, though," I smile at her and kiss her lips lightly as I stand up and pull my sweater back on. She lays on her side, propping her head up with her hand. "I'll call you later, okay?"

"Sure thing, hot stuff." She winks and I can't help a smile that spreads across my lips as I walk out the door.

\---

The whole way back to my apartment I struggle to keep my anxiety in check, but I'm slowly losing that battle. Jeez, what could she possibly want? She sounded pissed. I've already talked to her once this month, so something must be up for her to call me again.

My hands tremble as they attempt to unlock the door to my apartment, causing me to drop the keys twice before finally getting it open. I throw my purse and jacket on the dining room chairs and immediately take a seat on the couch to call her back.

It rings one time before she answers. "Erin?"

"Hi, mom," I say, trying to mask the tremor in my voice. But knowing my mother, I'm sure she heard it loud and clear.

"So, how have you been, darling? Anything new or noteworthy happen in your life?" Her voice is cold, sarcastic. Fuck what happened?

"Um... I-I don't know, mom. Is there anything in particular you're referencing?"

"Does the name Jillian Holtzmann ring any bells?"

Oh shit. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! Maybe she just saw her name with the Ghostbusters team? God, I have no idea, I haven't been paying any attention to tabloids lately. And besides, is my life really tabloid worthy?

"Of course, mom. She works with us on the Ghostbusters team. She's our engineer."

"Sure, sure. I knew that already. But, according to what I'm reading here, you guys are in a relationship now? Is that true?" Her voices changes to hurt, maybe because I didn't tell her? Maybe out of disappointment I'm with a woman? Maybe even just that she's not the kind of person my mother has groomed me from birth to be with.

"Where are you reading that from, mom? You can't believe everything you read on the internet."

"There's a picture, Erin. It's a picture of you, leaning on some rail, with this Holtzmann woman kissing you." Her cold demeanor is back, now, and I can detect a hint of malice mixed in.

"Oh, mom...." I pause, trying to think of something appropriate to respond with. "I mean, what do you want me to say?"

"Well, how about you start off explaining to me what the hell you're thinking? First, you quit Columbia-"

"I didn't quit mom, I was fired."

"Do NOT interrupt me, Erin Gilbert." I close my eyes and begin rubbing my temples in hopes of easing the migraine I can already feel forming. "You are slowly RUINING everything you've worked for, everything I'VE worked for to get you there! This Ghostbusters stuff is a joke, and we both know it. And now you've decided to become a dyke? What's next, are you going to join a nudist colony and participate in orgies? Do drugs? Better yet, MAKE drugs using the science degrees you've received like that stupid show on television?"

"No, mom, I'm not going to do any of that! I'm 40 years old, you have NO say over what I do and do not do with my life! For once, I'm happy with someone because they make me feel good about myself! Not because it makes me look better to all these uptight professors and colleagues of yours! This isn't something I've just all of a sudden decided, mother, I have ALWAYS had interests in both men AND women!" I yell into the phone.

"And what do you think people are saying about you now, Erin? No one takes you or this Holtzmann woman seriously! And Ghostbusters? Really, Erin, do you seriously think that's a valid science? The only reason I've tolerated this for so long is because I was sure it would fail anytime now. God, I remember when you took science SERIOUSLY and had real aspirations! And now look at you: chasing ghosts and shacking up with some ridiculous looking woman."

"Holtzmann is NOT ridiculous, mom! She's a scientist also! She's so incredibly smart and talented and such an amazing person in general! If you just meet her, I know you'll-"

"That's hilarious, Erin. You think I'm going to meet this person? Think again." She says, cutting me off.

"Please mom-" I start to beg, on the verge of tears.

"Okay, so is this supposedly amazing lunatic woman going to help you reestablish your life, Erin? People are making fun of you. You're a joke; all of you people are a joke. I just can't believe what you've allowed your life to become. What happened to that beautiful daughter I had who was going to get tenure at the prestigious Columbia University?"

"Well, I guess she must have died, mom, because that's not who I am."

"Well, she might as well be dead to me." The phone went dead and I throw it across the room in frustration.

Tears stream down my face now uncontrollably and sobs escape my throat. What if she's right? What if all of this is just some joke? What if all I'll ever be is ghost girl? What if I'M holding Holtzmann back? I love her. God, I love her, but maybe my mom is right. Maybe I'm not good enough for anybody. Or maybe I'm just not ready to be with a woman...

I wipe the tears from my cheeks and make my way to my bedroom. Suddenly I can't bear the thought of being awake right now.

\---

A loud knock on my apartment door jolts me awake and the light streaming through my curtains tells me I've slept all night. I look down, realizing I'm still wearing the same clothes I was wearing last night and the memories of my mother flood my brain. I stand up, making my way to the door. I look through the peephole to see Holtzmann standing outside, nervously picking at her fingernails. I lean my head against the door, trying my damnedest not to cry. I don't want to open it. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. But I can't stand the thought of Holtzmann outside my apartment, waiting for me to answer.

I open the door and she looks up at me, fear and concern fogging her deep crystal eyes.

"Hey, Holtzmann," I mutter.

"Hey there, Gilbert. I called you a few times last night but you didn't answer so I was getting worried. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm...fine. I'm fine, Holtzmann."

"You don't look fine, Erin." She reaches for my hand and strokes a thumb over my knuckles. "What's going on?"

I gently pull my hand from hers and her eyes grow wide, obviously hurt.

"Um, nothing Holtz. I'm fine. I just.... really need to be alone right now." I mumble.

"What happened, Erin? What did she say?"

"I really just want to be alone right now."

"What does that mean?" Her voice cracks a little now. "Do you... do you not want to be with me anymore?"

"I don't know, Holtzmann." My voice is starting to tremble now, too, because I don't want to hurt her. That's the last thing I want to do right now. "I just need some time to think. I don't know what I want."

Holtzmann straightens her posture then, and I can see the coldness wash over her. She shoves her hands deep inside her trouser pockets and nods her head slowly, up and down.

"Alright, I get it." She turns and walks down the hallway.

"Holtzmann, I'm sorry, I-"

"It's fine, Erin. I'm used to it." And then she's gone, disappearing down the hall.

I slam my door closed and slump down against it, pulling my knees to my chest. I bury my head in my hands and sob louder and harder than I have in years. Maybe even since middle school. Jesus, what have I done? I've destroyed the only person who has ever truly cared about me. All she's ever been to me is kind and caring and loving and this is how I repay her? Great job, Gilbert, you're a better person already.


	15. Chapter 15

"Erin?"

I feel the side of my bed weigh down next to me and a hand grip my shoulder, shaking me gently. I turn around to see Abby looking at me with a comforting smile on her face.

"Hey, Abby." I sit up and rub my eyes blearily, wincing slightly from how sore they are from crying.

"Erin, what's going on? Patty had to pick Holtzmann up from a bar last night because she was so drunk she couldn't stand up straight. She says you broke up with her?"

"I didn't break up with her. I just told her I needed some time."

"What else is that supposed to mean? What brought this on all of a sudden?"

"My mom found out about us..." I pick nervously at my comforter, unable to make eye contact with my best friend.

"So what?" Abby's voice has turned sour, as if she's appalled at my response.

"So she was pissed, Abby! She told me no one takes us seriously. That we're a joke and this is just making it worse. And she told me I was dead to her. And what if she's right? What if we're just some huge fucking joke? People are probably laughing at us!"

Abby stands up abruptly and starts to pace back and forth next to the bed.

"Erin, I'm saying this because I'm you're friend, and I care about you. But you need to wake the fuck up!" She yells, startling me in the process. "Who gives a shit what people think? Do you love your job?"

"Of course," I mumble, my voice so small I'm surprised she heard me.

"Then who cares! Erin, you are 40 years old. You have GOT to get over this mom complex of yours! She's a shitty person and I understand it hurts that she's so heartless and cold, but you have to live your life for you! You're not allowing yourself to be happy! I KNOW that you're in love with her, Erin. Patty and I BOTH know. And guess what! She's in love with you too! But because of your ridiculous fear of what other people think, you're destroying one of the best things to ever happen to you!"

She throws her hands up to her face and takes a deep breath into them. When she sits back down on the bed, she pulls me into a hug.

"Erin, stop doing this to yourself. Stop letting her control you. All she's doing is trying to live the life she wanted through you and I could literally bitch slap the hell out of her because of all the crap she's put you through." She pulls my head up and cradles my face in her hands, forcing me to look at her. "Please, Erin, just be yourself. And don't let Holtzmann get away. I don't usually believe in soulmates, but if soulmates exist, then you and Holtzmann are the exact definition." She kisses the top of my head and stands up, grabbing the jacket she sat on my desk. "I'll see you in the morning."

When she walks out of the door, I curl myself back into the fetal position I was in and cover myself with my comforter. She's right. I know she's right. And tomorrow, I'm going to make this right.

\---

The next morning, I wake up with a whole new world view. Holtzmann is the love and light of my life, and I am going to get her back, no matter what it takes. I love her. I am IN love with Dr. Jillian Holtzmann and I no longer give a crap what people think about me. From now on, I am going to live my life the way I want to live it. It's definitely going to be hard, trying to ignore people's judgments, but I'm confident that Holtz will be my rock. She'll help me. She already has.

After I get out of the shower, I pick out a white button up blouse and brown skirt that I know Holtzmann loves, and wear my makeup smoky, which she also likes.

I leave my apartment and pause on the sidewalk, taking a deep breath in and blowing it out. I can do this. I have to do this. Not only for me, but for Holtzmann. For the woman I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. For both of us.

I head toward the firehouse, but plan on making a couple of pit stops on the way. My first stop is only a few blocks my apartment: Holtzmann's favorite bakery.

I enter the small eatery and luckily there's no line at the register. The older woman who owns the establishment is standing behind the counter and moves to the register when she sees me. She smiles and waves at me like she has every other time Holtzmann and I come here.

"Hello, Ms. Gilbert! Getting your usual today? Apple scone for you and a bear claw for your friend?"

"Um, yes, actually." I feel heat rising to my cheeks and wring my hands nervously. "And, um, she's not my friend. Well, she is! Of course she's my friend. But, um, she's actually my girlfriend." Here's my first step. You got this, Erin, it's gonna be fine. Just imagine Holtzmann here with you, holding your hand and rubbing small circles on your palm.

"Oh, yes, I thought that may be the case." She smiles wide and winks and a weight lifts from shoulders. "I just didn't want to be too assumptive. That'll be $4.75."

I hand her the money in exchange for our food and walk out a little prouder. This is already working out okay. Now to just do this for the rest of my life.

A block away from the firehouse, I take my second pit stop: Dave's Floral. When I go inside, a middle aged man with an apron is fixing a floral arrangement with a banner saying "Congratulations". He sets a pair of scissors down when he notices me and smiles.

"Good morning! Is there anything I can help you with?" He asks.

At first, I'm inclined to say no. But now that I'm thinking about it, would Holtz even want flowers? She doesn't seem like the type...

"Um, no, I don't think so. I came here to get something for someone, but now that I think about it, I don't think she's the type for flowers," I laugh nervously.

"Oh, I think there's a type of flower for everyone. What she's like? How do you know her? What's the occasion?" He questions, genuinely interested.

Here I go again. "Uh," I blow a small breath of air out, hoping to alleviate some tension. "Well, her name's Jillian Holtzmann-"

"Oh, she's one of those Ghostbusters, right? Hey, you are too, aren't you?" He asks, excitement apparent in his voice.

"Um, yeah, we are," I shuffle my feet nervously.

He holds his hand out for a handshake, a grin plastered from ear to ear. I take it and smile back. "It's a pleasure to meet you. My name's Dave. I'm a huge fan. You guys helped my sister chase a ghost out of her bar six months ago or so. You guys are real heroes."

"Wow, um, thank you. I'm Erin. It means a lot when people tell us stuff like that. Well, at least me. I guess I can't speak for the others," I answer, fidgeting a little less now.

"Hey, it's my pleasure. So, what's the occasion?"

I pick my fingernail nervously and swallow hard. This shouldn't be so difficult.

"Um, well, Holtzmann and I are dating and I kind of messed it up with her pretty badly, so I was wanting to get her something to make up for it. But I'm not sure if she likes flowers or not."

"I'm sure we can find something she'll like. How would you describe her?"

He didn't even flinch. He's still wanting to help me. Maybe this isn't going to be so bad after all. I exhale a breath I didn't know I was holding.

Thoughts of Holtzmann fill my brain and I smile broadly. "Um, well, she's very quirky. She loves building things and taking them apart, shes so beautiful and she's one the smartest people I know-"

"She's the one with the blonde hair in a crazy updo?"

"Yeah, she is," I answer sheepishly.

"I think I have something in mind." He smiles and curls a finger at me, signaling me to follow him.

He takes me to the back of the store and picks up a small cactus in a light blue pot with a pink bloom on top. I don't know why, but something about it screams Holtzmann. I pick up the pot and turn it around in my hands, a smile creeping across my face.

"I'll take it."

He smiles in return and crosses his arms in satisfaction. "I thought that might be it."

\----

When I step into the firehouse Abby is alone, sitting at her desk staring at the computer in front of her. She looks up when she hears me close the door and furrows her brow.

"Is that a cactus?" She asks.

"Yeah, I got it for Holtzmann. Do you think it's too weird? It's too weird isn't it?"

Abby gets up and comes around her desk, leaning against the front of it. She smiles and crosses her arms.

"I think it's perfect. Very Holtzmann. I take it this means you've had enough time?"

"Yeah. Definitely. I want... I want to be with her, Abby, there's no doubt about that. And I'm trying my damnedest not to care what people think. When I stopped at the bakery Holtzmann likes, I told the owner she was my girlfriend. And I told the florist I bought this cactus from that I wanted something for my girlfriend. Surprisingly, neither of them acted like they cared."

"See? In reality, there really aren't that many people who'll care. The tabloids have to find anything they can to make sales and budding romances are usually the top subject. But very few people actually care. Now if, say, you were married and had an affair with her, then maybe more people would care. Granted, there are still people who are gonna bully you, but those people have literally nothing better to do than belittle others. And I promise, there are more people out there that are supportive." She walks closer to me and pulls me in for a hug. "Holtz isn't here though. She called in."

My heart sinks. Holtz never calls in. Even when she's sick, she still comes in. She must have called in because of me. I don't blame her... I wouldn't be able to look at her either if the roles were reversed.

Abby releases me and smiles reassuringly.

"Is she at home?"

"I assume. She didn't say. But you should find her."

I smile at her. "I should, shouldn't I?"

"Yes. Ugh, this means I'm gonna be here by myself. If I get a call about a bust you guys better drop what your doing and come help." She points her finger at me to accentuate her annoyance.

"Where's Patty?"

Abby takes a seat at her desk again. "She called in, too. Apparently she was with Holtzmann most of the weekend and barely got any sleep."

"Jeez, I really destroyed this weekend, huh?" I look down at my feet, feeling embarrassed about my emotions the last couple of days.

"No, you're mom ruined your weekend. Now go find her, Erin!"

"Okay, good luck today." I wave at her and practically run though the door.

I hail a cab and give the driver Holtzmann's address. Maybe I should call before I go knocking on her door though. With my luck she may have already found someone else. Or at least someone else to spend a night with.

I try her cell probably nine times before I reach her apartment building. I should have known she wouldn't answer her phone; I doubt I would've answered either. Barely paying attention to the driver, I throw a wad of bills to him that I'm sure is way too much, but emotions are starting to build up inside of me and a mixture of excitement and anxiety is causing me to run. I bound up the stairs to the third floor, holding the cactus and bag of pastries fairly close to my chest, while still being careful not get pricked by the thorns.

I finally make it to her door, red faced and out of breath, anxiety coursing through me at double speed. After knocking loudly, I rock back and forth on my heels, drumming my fingers against the pot, hoping to calm my racing heart. I wait a few minutes, listening closely for sounds of footsteps on the other side, before knocking again. A woman comes up the stairs and makes her way down the hallway. She looks at me somewhat quizzically, so I smile politely, giving her a small nod for good measure. She acts like she's going to walk by, so I turn toward the door again, but her footsteps stop behind me. When I turn back around, she's looking at me again in confusion.

"Are you looking for the woman who lives there?" She asks.

"Um, yeah. Holtzmann."

"Oh. She's not in there. She left on Sunday morning and asked if I could feed her chinchillas because she was leaving for a few days."

My heart speeds up again and panic rises up my throat.

"Oh," I laugh nervously, trying to play it off as if I didn't care, when really it's the complete opposite of what I'm feeling right now. "Ok. Thanks for telling me and all. I probably would have been knocking forever."

She smiles at me and nods. "No problem. Have a good day."

She walks down the hall and I turn to go back down stairs. Where could she be? She's not answering her phone, she's not at her apartment. Oh god, I hope she's not at some other girl's apartment. I would be devastated. I don't even know how I would react. I can't be mad at her, though. I basically broke up with her, and apparently she was drunk on Saturday night. Finding someone to try and forget with seems like a thing people do.

I take a seat on the bench outside her building, setting the cactus and bag of pastries down next to me. I look at my watch; it's already 2 o'clock. Sighing in frustration, I cradle my head in my hands and look down at the dirty New York sidewalk. What can I do? I scan my brain for any ideas on how to find her. But maybe she doesn't want to be found. Maybe she's already over me and doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. What if I blew this already?

I take my phone out of my pocket and dial Patty's number. She was with her this weekend, surely she would know where she was. Or if she was with someone else...

After a couple rings, Patty answers with a weak hello, obviously just waking up.

"Hey, Patty. Do you know where Holtzy is?"

"Why? Please tell me you're taking her back."

"I want to, but I can't find her and she isn't answering her phone."

Patty chuckles, then says "She dropped her phone in the toilet. She said something about trying to fix it later, but I'm pretty sure that phone is toast; it starting sparking and shit. But honestly, baby, I have no idea where she is. I tucked her into bed on Saturday and that was the last I've talked to her. Have you tried her apartment?"

"That's where I am now. Was she... with someone else?" I try to hide the hurt in my voice at the thought, but I'm sure Patty can sense it. She's pretty good at reading emotions.

"Hell no, Erin! She's crazy about you and and is probably gonna be stuck on you for a long time."

I release an exasperated sigh. "Thank God. But you have no idea where she went?"

"I'm sorry, sweetie, but no."

"Okay, well thanks anyway. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Good luck with your search."

I hang up and lean back on the bench. All of a sudden, my stomach rumbles loudly and I realize I haven't eaten at all today. I take the scone out of the bag begin eating it. I probably need to get some real food. Then it hits me. The diner! Maybe Holtzmann's parents would know!

\----

By the time I make it to the diner, the sun has almost completely set and it's going on seven o'clock. It took me forever to find the place again because I was too distracted by Holtzmann to remember how we got there the first time. I go inside, immediately looking for either Holtz's mom or dad, but the restaurant is packed full of people. I take a seat at the only open booth in the room and set the cactus and bag on the table. I don't bother picking up the menu; I have one goal here and one goal only. After a couple of minutes, Holtz's mom comes to the table, her hands extended out for a hug.

"Erin!" I lean into her and she kisses the top of my head. "How are you doing?" The look in her eyes and softness of her voice tell me she's talked to Holtz. They're kind, but knowing.

"Um, not too good actually. Have you seen Jillian? I understand if you don't want to tell me..." She cocks her head to the side, taking hold of my left hand in the process. "But I... I feel so horrible, Mrs. Holtzmann." Tears threaten my eyes and I look at the floor, hoping to hide the emotion that's started to well up in my chest.

"Lets go out back and talk, sweetie. I'm due for a break anyway."

She pulls me by the hand to the bar, where she grabs her purse and jacket, and walks me out the door, going around the building. A bench sits on the wall, along with an ashtray and a trash can. She sits down on the right side of the bench and pats the empty space next to her, motioning for me sit. When I do, she pulls something out of her purse, putting the object up to her mouth and lighting it.

"Is that a joint?" I ask, my jaw dropping in disbelief that she just lit up in public.

She inhales deeply and smiles. She holds it over to me, offering it to me.

I can't help but laugh and she chuckles with me. "No, but thank you. I appreciate the offer."

She takes another puff and then looks at me. "Do you want to talk about it? All I know is that something happened between you and Jillian, but she wouldn't electorate too much. She said your mom called and then you left. She didn't understand what was going on."

I take a deep breath in preparation. "My mother is... Jeez, I don't even know how to describe her. She's very hard. And cold. She's always pushed me to be someone of importance. My whole life I've just wanted her to be proud of me, you know? But nothing I did was ever good enough. She thinks everything I do is a joke. I feel like I'm torn between being what she wants me to be and being what I want to be. Aren't mothers supposed to know what's right for their children?" She furrows her brow, but stays silent, allowing me to continue.

"I've always tried to do exactly what she wanted me to. I went to the school she wanted, I got a degree like she wanted, I dated the men she approved of, I got a job she deemed acceptable. I thought, surely she's right. If I keep working hard enough, following her direction, I'll get somewhere that I'm happy; but that never happened. And it was still NEVER good enough." Tears start streaming down my face and I rub my temples, trying to calm another migraine. Mrs. Holtzmann puts a hand on my lower back and rubs gentle circles, soothing me to the best of her ability.

"So, she found out about you and Jillian and she didn't approve?" She throws the remaining butt in the trash.

"Yeah. She told me everyone thinks I'm a joke. That my work is useless. And that I'm dead to her now." I can't contain the sob that escapes my mouth and she pulls me against her chest, running her fingers through my hair.

"Honey, I know I haven't known you for very long and maybe my words are useless right now, but I vehemently disagree with that sorry excuse for a mother. You ARE something to be proud of, Erin. Jillian talks about you so much I feel like I've known you for years. She tells me about all your accomplishments and how smart and genius you are. And from the few interactions I've had with you, I know that you're a genuinely kind person; I have an intuition about things like that. You should be proud of everything you've done! And SHE should be proud! Erin, you helped SAVE New York City. Millions of people live here!" She kisses the top of my head and turns my chin up to look at her.

"And not to mention, you make my daughter very happy. Happier than I've seen her in a long time. She's always struggled to fit in; kids threw things at her in school, called her names. I think for a while she gave up on thinking anyone would truly like her for who she was. She doesn't talk to me about it. You've probably already noticed, but she's a pretty closed off person. Emotions aren't her strong suit. But I know my daughter. I don't think she's ever been in a real relationship before. Now, I know she goes home with women, to satisfy needs or what not, but I have a feeling that's about the extent of her romances. Then you came along and suddenly she couldn't stop talking about you. She's crazy about you, you know? And I know you're just as crazy about her. I can see it in your eyes."

My face blushes as I wipe the tears from cheek and sit up. "I am. I am so crazy about her. I have fallen so hard for her and now I've messed it up."

"Baby, you have not messed it up. Do you want to be with her?"

"More than I've ever wanted anything else in my entire life."

She smiles and pats my knee. "Then why are you still here?"

I furrow my brows, contemplating my answer. Then I remember why I had so much trouble in the first place.

"Because I don't know where she is." I laugh nervously.

"Oh." She chuckles quietly to herself. I'm unsure if it's my answer or the situation that she finds so funny. "Well I guess that would be a hindrance, huh? Here," she pulls a pen out of her apron and takes my hand. "This is our address," she begins writing an address on my palm. "She's the only one there and she locks the door when she's alone, so you may have to knock. Normally, I'd just tell you to go right ahead in. If it happens to be unlocked, you're more than welcome inside." She puts the pen away and kisses my forehead. "Now go get her, tiger."


	16. Chapter 16

I stand outside the Holtzmann's apartment door with the cactus and bear claw I bought earlier, contemplating exactly what I want to say to her. So many thoughts and emotions are running through my head that it's getting harder and harder to form a coherent sentence. I wish I could just look at her and she know exactly what I'm thinking. It would make this so much easier.

Alright, suck it up, Gilbert. Just do it. You've got this. It's just Holtzmann.

Finally, I gather enough courage to extend my arm and knock. It's louder than I intended it to be because of the tremor in my hand. At first, I don't hear anything on the other side, so I knock again, softer this time, with a little more control. Then the sound of footsteps shuffle closer to the door.

"I'm coming, I'm coming, hold your horses!" Holtzmann shouts from the other side of the door.

When the door opens, I'm immediately taken aback at the engineer's appearance. From afar, she probably looks like regular old Holtz wearing an Ozzy Osbourne t-shirt, grey sweatpants, and mismatched black and pink socks. Her face is what concerns me. She looks haggard and tired; her eyes have heavy bags and dark circles underneath them. Her pupils are incredibly dilated and her eyes are so bloodshot there's almost no white left in them.

"Erin?" Her voice wavers, as if she's unsure of what her next course of action should be.

"Holtzmann? Are you okay? You look like you haven't slept in a week!"

"Um, yeah, I'm fine. What are you doing here?" Her voice is cold and distant. So much so that I almost give up and leave, certain I've lost her completely.

"I... um, well." I rub the back of my neck and take a breath. Easy, you got this remember? "Can we talk?"

Her eyes shift across my face and she swallows hard. I can almost physically feel how guarded and wary she is right now.

"Yeah. If you want to. Come in," she says opening the door completely and standing aside to let me through.

I step inside and the smell of patchouli wafts through the air. The ambiance of the entire apartment is relaxed and calming. The walls are painted a light orange color and candles and incense line the hallway. There are pictures of the restaurant and the family along the walls and one in particular catches my eye. A teenage Holtz is holding a large gold trophy in the air while her parents hug her from each side. She looks happy. A smile passes my lips at how adorable she is.

"We can talk in the living room, if that's okay." Holtz walks past me without looking at me. It hurts more than I want to admit, my smile disappearing completely. I don't want to give up, but I'm starting to think maybe I'm too late.

"Sure. Wherever you want." I answer.

I follow her to the living room and it's pretty obvious this is where she's been holed up for the last few days. There are blankets and pillows on the couch, empty glasses and bowls on the side table, and a plate of cookies on the coffee table. Holtz rushes to the couch and grabs the blanket and pillows, throwing them on the recliner across the room.

"Do you want something to drink? Or eat?" She asks. Her voice is very hoarse. She almost sounds sickly.

"Those cookies look pretty good," I smile, trying to lighten the mood.

"Um, you don't want those cookies," she says, looking down at her feet sheepishly.

"How come?"

"They, uh, aren't regular cookies. They're pot cookies."

"Oh. Well, I better not eat those then." She continues looking down and then the realization hits me. "Are you high?" I ask teasingly.

"Just a little. Sorry." She shoves her hands in her pockets.

"You don't have to be sorry. Let's, um, sit down maybe?"

"Alright."

We take a seat on the couch and I set the cactus and bakery bag on the coffee table in front of us.

"Can I ask you a question, first?" Holtz asks.

"Yeah, of course."

"What's with the cactus?" She asks, raising an eyebrow at me.

"OH! I got it for you. I went to a flower shop to get you flowers, but when I got there I wasn't sure if you'd be into them at all. And then the guy who worked there showed me this and I thought maybe you would like that better. I got you a bear claw, too, but now that I think about, you may not want to eat it. I've been carrying it around since like 10 this morning."

A smile tugs at the corners of her mouth and she picks up the small plant, looking it over for a moment, then setting it down on her lap while she plays with the bloom on top.

"Thanks, Gilbert." Her smile is bigger now and she bites her bottom lip, but she still doesn't meet my eyes.

"Yeah, no problem."

An awkward silence falls between us while Holtz concentrates on her lap. Let's do this, Erin, you've put her through enough.

"Holtzmann."

She looks at me with those beautiful blue eyes and I notice there are tears forming in them. My heart aches, but I'm unsure if it's from the guilt of making her cry or from the anxiety of not knowing what she's going to say. There's always that chance that I've lost her for good. That she's decided to move on, unwilling to wait for me. I put my hand on her knee and she furrows her brow.

"Holtzmann, I am so sorry. I royally fucked this up and I want more than anything for you to forgive me. I completely understand if you don't, though and I would never hold that against you. This is all my fault and I have to live with the consequences. But I do have a pretty serious confession I need to make."

"Did you sleep with someone else?" Her voice sounds so pitiful and small I just want to grab her and hold her in my arms.

"What?" I ask, shocked.

"Did you sleep with someone else?" Her voice cracks and she sounds like she's on the verge of sobbing.

I take her hand, rubbing my thumb across her knuckles comfortingly.

"Oh my god, Holtzmann, no! It's only been two days!"

She looks back down at her cactus. "Well, you never know. You're gorgeous, so it's entirely possible."

I shake my head vigorously. "No, Holtzmann, I didn't sleep with anyone else nor do I have any desire to. Look at me, please," I gently pull her chin up. "Jillian," I feel and see her body visibly soften at the use of her first name. "I am so in love with you." Her eyes grow wide and her jaw clenches. "And I'm so sorry I ever made you think I didn't want to be with you. I've always been so fixated on what other people have thought about me that I was afraid of what people would say about us being together."

"But I don't understand why it was so out of the blue, Erin. I mean, we had been dating for two weeks and then, bam, you just left without any explanation whatsoever."

I take a deep breath in and out. "I know. My mother called. She's.... I don't even know how to explain her, Holtzmann. She's always told me how useless I was and that I could always be better. I thought she was just pushing me to be better, to be successful. But our views of success are drastically different. She thinks being successful means making a lot of money, being someone of importance, marrying another successful man and, having successful children. MY version of success is doing something that makes me happy and being with someone who likes me for me. We literally talk once a month and I usually make up some bullshit story that makes my life sound more important." I swallow hard, trying to keep from crying. "So, apparently, she was looking around on the internet and somehow came across some tabloid article that had a picture of us kissing at the haunted house. She flipped. She told me I was ruining my life and that I was dead to her."

"Oh my god, Erin, that's horrible." She reaches over and grips my knee and I have to close my eyes to handle the euphoria that washes over me. It feels like forever since she's touched me.

"And I thought she was right," I feel myself choking up. "I thought, surely as my mother she knows what's right for me. She knows what's best. But jeez, she was so wrong. And I know that now, and I'm so sorry, Holtz."

She sets the cactus back on the coffee table and reaches out to me, pulling me against her chest while she plays with my hair. I cry hard and for the first time, someone besides Abby holds me the way I need to be held. It's so perfect. I nuzzle into the crook of her neck and she holds me tighter.

"Do you want a cookie?" She asks.

"No, Holtzmann, I don't want a pot cookie." Laughing, I sit up and wipe my eyes with the palm of my hand.

"They would loosen you up a bit, is all. And Erin, you are so fucking amazing." She cups my cheek with her hand and I lean into her touch. "You've accomplished so much! I mean you're a VERY successful particle physicist who helped save New York! You help people all the time and they're always so in awe of you. I'M in awe of you everyday! You're mom doesn't know what the hell she's talking about. She's obviously small minded and ignorant."

"Thanks," I sniffle.

"So, now I have three questions to ask." She says, releasing my face and gripping my hand.

"Oh, I don't know, Holtz, you've already asked so many," I tease, shaking my head.

"Well these questions are very important. They'll probably decide the fate of the universe and all." She smirks slightly.

"Oh, well in that case, you may proceed."

"Numero uno. Can I name this little lady Judith Light?" She picks up the cactus and rubs the pot lovingly.

I scrunch up my face, confused.

"Like from 'Who's the Boss'?"

"Well, yes," she sets it back down and looks at me as though she's about to tell me some of the most important information of my life. "BUT," she holds up her index finger, "I am actually referencing an AMAZING television show called 'Broad City'. Please tell me you've seen it, Dr. Erin Gilbert."

"Unfortunately, no, Dr. Jillian Holtzmann, I'm afraid not."

"I LOVE it when you use my first name." She closes her eyes and hums quietly to herself and I shake my head, smiling. "We WILL be having a 'Broad City' marathon in the not so distant future. But, back to the point, there's an episode where Ilana is hired by a temp agency to assign workers to jobs, BUT, she ends up taking one herself as a dog walker. She has one dog that has really long blonde hair all over her body and Ilana's friend with benefits, Lincoln, calls her Judith Light. And now I've been dying to name something Judith Light."

"Well, it's your cactus, so you can name it whatever you like."

"Yes!" She shouts, pumping her fists in the air. "Now question numero dos. When you said you loved me, did you mean you LOVE love me, or just love me like someone loves a cute puppy?"

"I love you like I've never loved anyone before, Holtz. I love you like I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you like I can't live without you. I love you with every fiber of my being and I literally can't stand the thought of you not being in my life."

"Good," she smiles from ear to ear and her cheeks turn a light pink. Then she clears her throat. "So, on to my last question. Does this mean we're back together now?"

"Only if you'll have me. I know I hurt you and I totally understand if you don't-"

The words are taken out of my mouth when Holtz cups the sides of my face and crashes our lips together. My hands tangle in her blonde curls and I'm lost; all inhibitions thrown out the window, any doubts about Holtz not wanting me destroyed. I part my lips, pleading for her tongue and she gives me exactly what I want. The kiss deepens and turns heated. But then she pulls away and I pout from the loss of contact.

"Hey, Erin?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you, too."

My heart races and I feel tears threatening my eyes again. This is everything I've ever wanted. SHE'S everything I've ever wanted. And now I have her. I feel complete and warm and FINALLY loved.

She plants another light kiss on my cheek and smiles.

"Let's get out of here, huh? We have some time to make up for and this couch doesn't quite give me the space I need." She winks at me and I chuckle.

"That sounds like an amazing plan."

\----

The End


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